Why?

Why am I doing this? What do I want? What am I ACTUALLY doing?

I've been doing some things lately that I'm not proud of. I've been skipping exercise, or not going hard enough when I do train. I've eaten about a kilo of chocolate, and I'm not joking. There's been hot cross buns, and donuts, and some other 'fun' things. But the thing is, I've felt absolutely horrible the last two weeks. Tired, run down, emotional, crabby.... This isn't fun. These 'fun' things aren't fun. Feeling horrible about things I've eaten, and then the consequences in the toilet... that is not fun.

Why am I doing this?

Because this used to be my comfort. This used to be my life. I didn't have anyone or anything else, I just had me and my delicious sugar addiction. Me and my rolls (both bakery and fat related). Me and TV, movies, books, lazing around.

What do I want?

I don't want that to be my life. I want my life to be delicious in other ways - feeling healthy is delicious. Sweating is delicious. Good food is delicious. Running, I'm sure, is delicious. I'm trying to work on that - breathing while running is proving to be less than delicious. Enjoying outdoor activity, experiencing life, trying new foods, riding my bike, doing 'big walks'.

What am I ACTUALLY doing?

I'm stopping myself from doing this properly. I'm sabotaging this for myself. I'm falling back into those bad habits because they're comfortable, even though they make my life SO uncomfortable. It's not nice to have your thighs rub together when you walk. It's not nice to try to stuff your stomach into pants, or to have to undo buttons or zips or even think about what pants to wear depending on what you've got going on that day. It's not nice to be out of breath when walking upstairs for a meeting. It's not nice to want to eat something, but to worry about what other people think of you because of your size.

What am I going to do about it?

I've wiped my slate clean. I've got a plan (food and exercise) with the 12WBT. I've got my Fitbit to measure my steps each day. I've got my Heart Rate watch to measure my intensity during my workouts. I've ditched my 'daily habits' and committed to just one (10,000 steps every day). I have 35 days left until my birthday.

I WILL have a positive attitude towards my health and my life for the next 35 days. It takes 21 days to make a habit, so I'll be on a good path.

I WILL NOT deny myself things I want, but I will be mindful of how those decisions will affect my goals.

I WILL stick to the plans laid out for me by the 12WBT.

I WILL NOT be secretive about my eating.

I WILL sweat.

S - Stick to the plan
M - Mindfulness
A - Attitude is everything
S - Sweat is your friend
H - Honesty around food

I have a husband now - we got our joint Medicare cards in the mail today, so we're a real family. It's time that I started thinking about other people than myself, and in order to do that, I need to put myself first. A little bit contradictory, but makes so much sense.

I think something has just been unearthed. SMASHlife. This could be interesting.