Day 5 - Cleanse Day 2

It was a very different day to what I expected. Here's what I expected:

I expected to be hungry. To be ravenous. To wake up starving and spend the rest of the day wanting to chew my own arm off.

Here's what happened:

I woke up. I did the food shopping. I made a lemon slice, and prepared the filling for chicken pies. I started a new Facebook page for this blog, and designed and made a logo for the page.

I spent altogether too much time doing that.

I put together my new vision board, wrote some lists of things I want to do and get done, decorated and set up my new planner for 2015

And I had my cleanse drinks and snacks and didn't think too much about food.

Oh, and I found this quote which seemed perfect for the day:

"Focus on the good you are doing for your body, rather than getting upset about the things you can't have."

Things are happening. I like it.

I got through the double cleanse no worries. Looks like cleanse days are planning days from now on!

Day 4: The dreaded cleanse day!

This morning came along and I was slightly apprehensive. I mean, I can do the shakes for a couple of meals and the slew of tablets in the morning, but I wasn't sure I could do the 'no chewing or swallowing anything other than water or slightly berry flavoured water' thing.

The cleanse is designed so that your body gets only what it needs, while giving your digestive system a break from digesting ridiculous foods and having a rest. Then the digestive system can have a clearout of everything it forgot to do over the last few years (like finding that frypan you didn't wash properly hidden away in the back of the cupboard) and get that sorted.

I thought I would be a lot hungrier than I am, and sitting here at 11pm on the first day I'm feeling positive about tomorrow. The theory is that you do this for two days, twice a month. Or you can do it for one day a week. I'm doing the super-aggressive extra weight releasing double cleanse, three times a month - meaning that over the 30 days, I do six cleanse days and 24 shake days. Given that I've got 60kg to lose, I can surely afford the extra two days a month until I'm halfway there!

The cleanse drink isn't my favourite - I would probably have preferred a citrus flavour over the berry flavour - but it's certainly better than the stuff you have to drink 30ml of each morning. It's a nice change from water though, and given that's they only thing on the menu, I'm happy for the change. I'm surprised that every time I thought I felt hungry, I had a drink of water and the feeling passed. I'm convinced that I've never actually felt hunger before - and maybe this is a lesson to me about my body's cues. Thirst can often be mistaken for hunger and I'm pretty sure I've only ever been thirsty. I might change my mind after tomorrow and find out what genuine hunger feels like.

I discovered upon checking in with my mentor though, that I had neglected the snacks and so had a veritable feast after my final cleanse drink of a couple of chockies (infused with all sorts of deliciousness) and a couple of 'wafers' (that look and taste like ovalteenies! yum!). I'll be going to bed feeling not so bad!

And on the third day...

Day 3, and the journey is getting easier. I slept in again (thank you holidays!) so didn't have too long between meals today. Lunch was a very-well-thought-out meal of salmon and veg, which went down so much better than the burger or the creamy pasta. Veggies definitely need to be had in the midday meal.

I've also experienced the effects of the IsaFlush tablets today - which were quite unsettling as I didn't expect dirty water to be coming out of me and prompted a quick post on the group's Facebook page just to check that my insides weren't coming out. It turns out this is quite normal (as is being completely blocked up, depending on how your body does it's detox thing) and will settle in a few days. I have been advised to take the tablets only once a day, instead of twice a day, until it stops. Also to note that there is no pain, and there shouldn't be. Good to know.

I know I shouldn't have... but I weighed myself this morning. After feeling like complete crap overnight, I wanted to know if this was working, if it was worth continuing. I'll just say that it is, and leave the results until after Day 11 like I'm meant to. I'm swinging wildly between 'I-need-to-do-this-and-don't-care-what-it-takes' and 'I-don't-care-anymore-I-just-want-a-Pepsi-Max-and-a-block-of-Dairy-Milk'. I'm sure the next two days of cleansing will break me, but I'm determined to get my money's worth!

Realistically, I need to do this for another 50kgs, so there is no going back now. I'm apparently through the hard days now and just need to keep up the momentum. I seriously do not want to start again and have headaches and stupid cravings so there is no way I'm stopping. I also need to stop giving in to my inner child and having all the things... this is how I've gotten to be 60kgs overweight, so a few months of 'missing out' is surely well-deserved.

Further updates tomorrow. Yay for cleansing! (I hope)

Isagenix Day 2

Today was more difficult than yesterday - I had a couple of hurdles!

I woke up bright and early, had my shake and my supplements, and headed out to meet my mum. My cali club has a storage unit which has not been cleaned out for many years - it's full of stuff we don't use, and we have no room for the stuff we do need to store. As a summer project, we've vowed to clean it out, get rid of stuff, organise it better, and hopefully reduce the size of the unit (and the cost!).

We spent a couple of hours there, and then went to lunch before seeing a movie. We lunched at a burger joint, so I had a kids' meal of a chicken schnitzel with cheese and some chips. Not the best choice for my only meal of the day (needed veg!) but the best choice from the place we were at. I had bought my own water and snacks to the movie so was set for the afternoon. Mum and my aunty both had icecreams and I really felt like I missed out, but felt good for sticking to the plan.

After the movie I headed home and felt a bit off. Very tired, lethargic, headachey and generally bleurgh, so I went to bed for a nap. My husband woke me up after about an hour or so, and I had a meal replacement bar. The thought of a shake made me feel a bit gross, so instead of digging in to the tuna bake my husband had made, this was the next best thing. I'm yet to take my evening supplements, but I will get to them before bed.

Looking back on the day, I don't think I drank anywhere near enough water. The storage unit work was a lot of walking up and down the flight of stairs, to and from the rubbish pile, and quite warm inside with no ventilation. I only drank a couple of mouthfuls of water in the 3 hours we were there, and that threw me for the rest of the day. The lack of vegetables also played a part, so tomorrow's lunch will be chock-full of them!

I sent a message to my sponsor and she mentioned that it's normal to feel a bit gross in the first few days but this should pass after my first deep cleanse (the day after tomorrow). I'm off now to take my tablets and go to bed. If nothing else, this is making me go to bed earlier and sleep more, because sleeping means not thinking about food!

The beginning of something more.

Today I started Isagenix. It's a nutritional cleansing program that makes no promises about curing diseases or giving you ridiculous weight loss results. What it does promise is to change the way you think about food, and to change the way you feel when you eat the right things.

Yes, it's a shake-based program. But you also get to eat real food, and you don't starve yourself. Depending on your goals you can also use the program to put on weight (lean muscle or general weight gain). It's not a quick-fix. It's not a short term solution. It's a way of life that you can change and adapt to suit your current situation. It can grow and change with you, and that's what I like about it.

I like that it doesn't promise anything. That it isn't just a weight-loss program. That as my goals change, it will change with me. There are solutions for obese people, for bodybuilders, for Olympic athletes.

So what are my goals? My very good friend who introduced me to the program asked me to set some goals - both short term and medium term. What do I want?

SHORT TERM
In the next 30 days, I have a couple of goals.
1. Lose 5kg
2. Run 5km
3. Attend parkrun at least once

MEDIUM TERM
In the next 3 months, I have more goals.
1. Lose 15kg
2. Run 5km in less than 50 minutes
3. Finish OpMove 6 week program beginning 1st Jan

So what do I think of Isagenix so far?

I've had a shake for breakky, a meal for lunch, a small snack, and am just about to have another shake for dinner. I've also had some supplements throughout the course of the morning. My lunch was a terrible choice for a lunch meal (a creamy pasta bake type thing) as it means I've had no veg today, and no meat. The meal should consist of some protein, some carbs, and some fat - so this definitely was not ideal. Tomorrow I will make better choices for my lunch, for sure! We have some steak and salad ingredients so I'll be having that.

I've drunk about 2 litres of water today, and will probably drink another 500ml or so with my shake and further supplements for dinner. I'm not that hungry, but I have sat on the couch all day doing nothing, so I wouldn't have any reason to be hungry anyway!

I'm liking it so far, and I can't wait to see where it takes me in the next few months.

What's my 'why'?

Your ‘why’ is your reason for doing what you do. Your reason for getting up in the morning, for slogging through a workout, for choosing a better food.

What’s my ‘why’? Why do I want to change? Why do I want to do this?

I want to do this to stop being the fat girl. I want to stop feeling horrible, having stomach cramps, and stop my pants cutting into my stomach after lunch. I want to stop worrying about chaffing, to avoid the pain of my upper thighs rubbing together resulting in friction burns that sting and scab. I want to feel normal when eating – to not worry about what other people think when I order food, when I’m eating food, when I’m around food. I want to walk into a clothes shop and try on everything, and BUY everything, just because I can. I don’t want to worry about whether I will have something to wear to an event, or even just for the weekend.

I want to stop making food the focus of my life, and make LIVING the focus of my life. To be strong and healthy and confident in who I am, instead of faking it all the time. To run, to lift, to play. Not for exercise, but because it’s what I do.

That’s my ‘why’.

The times they are a-changing

I've come to the realisation these past two days - I have lived a life of indulgence, and this is why I am where I am today. I always give in to temptations, say yes more than I say no, and am over the top more often than not.

These past two days, I have attended two BBQ-type functions with nibbles galore. Sitting around the table at both events, I decided I would make a conscious effort not to eat whatever I wanted, but to watch what other people eat, sample some things, and try not to overeat.

This has made me realise that at an event like this in the past, I would seriously overeat. Ridiculously. Interestingly though, both yesterday and today, I don't feel like I missed out. I ate things that I wanted to eat, I held back from being a piggy... and I feel good about it.

I ordered my first 30 days' worth of my new program, and was keen to start before the New Year began. I sought advice from other people using the program, and given the fact of the silly season coming up and the next 10 days being filled with occasions to celebrate, I have taken their advice not to begin until the New Year. There are just too many excuses, too many reasons for it not to work. They're afraid I'll not experience the results that are traditionally experienced in the first 30 days, get disheartened, and give up.

The advice though, was to get a start on some other healthy aspects of the regime - drinking plenty of water, getting enough sleep, and reducing my intake of certain foods (sugar, stimulants).  I'm excited!

A month of improving

There wasn't much personal stuff while I did my 30 day blog challenge, so I thought I would tell you what's been happening here in my world.

WORK
I had been out of work for what seemed like forever after leaving my trolley pushing job and moving to the other side of town. I finally was able to sign up with an agency for temp work and got my first assignment just over a week ago. It was a 3 week assignment, but the general vibe is that I'll stay on permanently, which is an awesome feeling. The company I'm working for tends to hire temps and then make them permanent if things work out - and all signs point to this happening for me. One of the girls from cali works there (I didn't even know until I walked in that first day) and she's been in the boss's ear about keeping me on. I seem to be keeping up with KPIs and accuracy hasn't been a concern. So woo!

HUSBAND
He has been unhappy in his job for a while now - he's worked in the same place for 11 years, they're just not treating him well and he's had a gutful. He was waiting until I sorted myself out before telling me that he's miserable (what a gem!) and now is on the hunt for something closer to home. I'm hoping that will sort itself out sooner rather than later as he has an interview on Wednesday for a new job.

FITNESS
I'm pretty happy with my fitness at the moment - I just need to be a little more consistent with it. My running has come a long way in the month - I'm up to 8 minute intervals with short rests and will soon be running the 5km loop locally without stopping. Some days are easier than others, but I'm enjoying it. Strength training needs to become a bit more a priority because at the moment it's non-existant!

FOOD
Food is and always will be a struggle. Balance is difficult with my raging sugar addiction, but I'm slowly getting the mindless eating under control and stopping when I become robotic about it. I'm looking to start a new food program in the New Year, which I'll be sure to update you on.

CALI
Cali is finished for the year, but I don't get much of a break as the solo season starts soon (practices begin just after Christmas) and we're also running a Summer School for a few days in January to hopefully spark some interest or reignite the flame for others. Then normal classes resume in the first week of Feb so I really won't have too much of a break. Just the way I like it! I have retired from competing though... which is sad, but something I need to do in order to refresh myself and continue to love the sport for what it is. It's my time to impart my knowledge and love on others, instead of grinding myself to the bone week after week. My muscles aren't built for that anymore and my bones started to complain this year too. This next chapter will be exciting and a big change for me.

INSPIRATION
A dear friend has had gastric bypass today - both she and I have struggled greatly with weight over the years, but her struggle has come to breaking point. She is my inspiration to keep at it, and I know we inspire each other when we have the right attitude towards everything.

That's all, I think!

Until next time...

Day 30: Your goals for the next 30 days

I have some lofty goals for the year 2015, but there is still a bit of time left in 2014 - just over 30 days in fact! What are my goals for the rest of the year?

1. Weigh in on Dec 1 - and then not weigh again until Jan 1.

2. Write daily in my Reflection Journal, and my Food and Exercise Diary.

3. Drink at least 2 litres of water a day.

4. Walk regularly in the mornings, as well as regularly attending the gym of an evening. Run. Make plans on Sundays and follow through for the week.

5. Make food plans weekly and stick to them, allowing for 1-2 meals a week that are less healthy.

6. By Dec 31st, I WILL RUN THE LOOP OF DANDELION DRIVE. 5km, rolling hills. I don't care how long it takes to run it, I will do it without stopping.




I've really enjoyed this challenge - some days I haven't had much to say, and I'm looking forward to not having to post every day, but I do appreciate the prompting, and the ritual of writing SOMETHING each day. This has wheels turning in my mind, and that's something that I want to work on for 2015.

What do you want to hear from me next year?

Day 29: List 10 people, dead or alive, that you would invite to dinner. Include the menu.

I would invite:

P!nk
Michael Jackson
Mohamed Ali
Elli (who wrote the Holocaust account)
Diana Gabaldon (who writes the books in my favourite series)
Mia Michaels (from SYTYCD USA)
My Gran
My husband
My two besties, Jac and Stacey

The first six inspire me to be a better person. My Gran is just an amazing woman who has done extraordinary things with an ordinary life. The final three I wouldn't want to have this experience without.

The menu:
Chicken and Sweet Corn Soup
Spaghetti Bolognaise with Garlic Bread
Cinnamon Scrolls with Maple Frosting Glaze

My favourite foods. I don't care that they don't go together!

Day 28: Something that you miss

I miss being a kid, where the biggest worry I had was picking whether to have vegemite and cheese or ham and cheese on my sandwich.

I miss being a kid, where I didn't have to cook and clean and wash clothes and think of what to do on the weekend.

I miss being a kid, where Mum was always there to remind me what I needed to remember.

I miss being a kid, where you went to school every day and did whatever you were told.

I miss being a kid, where I ran around like a loony and people didn't stare.

I miss being a kid, where responsibility meant feeding the fish on a Tuesday and a Friday (those were my days!)

I miss being a kid, where anything was possible and I believed in everything.

I miss being a kid.

Day 27: A problem you have or have had in the past

Oh man.... so many problems to pick from....

I have this habit of peeling the skin off my foot. Not both feet, just one foot - old righty. I'm not sure why I picked this one, but it's happened. I used to peel until it bled, but that just hurts so now I just get the bits that are hanging off. The heel and all the way up the outside of the foot, almost to the little toe.

Writing this makes it sound bloody gross!

Peeling skin has been a fascination of mine since I was little. Mum used to sit us down of a night time in summer and peel our shoulders after a big sunburn. The way it feels when the skin is coming off - there's a little tickle with a tiny bit of discomfort - it just makes me feel safe and at home.

It's a problem though. I was having some issues with my legs in my old job (trolley pusher, 9 hours of walking each day was exhausting and took it's toll on my body) so was visiting the osteo a fair bit. He was pretty concerned with the state of my foot and seemed reluctant to work on it. Up until that point it had been a secret. No-one knew I did it and it didn't concern anyone.

Once he discovered it though, I began to be self-conscious about it.

I have asked my husband to call me out on it if he sees me picking. I'm making a conscious effort to not do it. I think I've been doing it for about 15 years though... so it's a hard one to break. I'll get there!

Day 26: If you had a million dollars to spend, how would you spend it?

Back the old days, a million dollars was enough to buy a few houses and go on a big holiday. These days, it's a bit harder! Here's what I would do:

1. Buy a house.
2. Buy another house, smaller and rentable - but not the whole house, I would mortgage half.
3. Go on a holiday.
4. Invest $100k and live off the interest.
5. Breathe deeply, and smile.

Day 25: Someone who fascinates you and why

So I know I've been quiet about the happenings in my life lately, but I didn't want to bombard you all with the ups and downs of my job hunting. I am currently working (yay!) in a job that is temporary but could possibly go permanent (double yay!) and there is one girl there who fascinates the absolute bejesus out of me.

When I first got the call to go there, the agency rep was very quick to explain that the office was very clique-y, that I would need a bit of a thick skin to break through the barriers and be respected there (a bit of an 'earn it' culture) so I was wary when I walked in. Then I spotted one of my cali friends and all my worries were over! How hilarious!

Anyway... one of the clique-y girls (who I am totally IN with by the way, because of my connections) is one of those girls that I cannot stand. I would see her out and think... 'what an idiot'. She has fake EVERYTHING. Fake boobs, fake nails, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake tan, lashings of makeup... she even has fake teeth!

Get to know her though, and she's a little insecure - she talks about how all the fake helps her to put on the persona that she's confident, when in fact she's the total opposite. She's a really smart girl too - something that I would not have considered by looking at her. Every time she speaks I want to listen, just to find out more about how her world works.

It just goes to show - don't judge a book by it's cover!

Day 24: Your favourite movie and what it is about

My favourite movie is 'Life Is Beautiful'.

It's just a gorgeous film - such dark subject matter and yet uplifting all at the same time. A father wanting to make his kid happy, doing anything and everything he can to make a smile - makes my heart sing. Every time I watch it, I cry.

It truly is beautiful and makes me want to look at the world in a positive way.

Day 23: Post 5 pictures of famous people you find attractive

No explanations needed... I love these people for who they are, how they represent themselves, and for their genuineness.

Images from Google

Day 22: How have you changed the past 2 years?

I've changed a lot in the past 2 years, and at the same time I've hardly changed at all! I'm still fat, and I'm still fighting it. I'm still impulsive and still fighting that. I'm still stubborn. I'm still quick-tempered. BUT I am happier, I'm a little healthier, and I'm more open to other's ideas and other ways of looking at things.

I've always said I don't believe in tarot, in fortune telling. Today, a trusted friend read my cards. She knows a bit about me, a bit about where I'm heading in life, but not much detail. The things she was able to tell me, to feel about what the cards were telling her about me, and just how the cards came out in general.... well that was just effing spooky. I know we can interpret things exactly the way we want to, but the fact that those particular cards came out (and she was shuffling them the whole time we were talking so it wasn't like she was picking the ones she wanted).... I was just shocked.

2 years ago I would have refused to participate when she said 'your turn'. I would have said that it was something I didn't believe in, and that I was glad she did but I just couldn't.

2 years ago I wouldn't have thought about making some cheese sauce to go with my steamed cauliflower for dinner. I would have ordered takeaway because the thought of just cauliflower for dinner would not cross my mind.

2 years ago I thought I couldn't run - and while I'm not fast and I have to stop to walk frequently, I am beginning to think that maybe I'm a runner in the making.

2 years ago I would not have been considering a certain lifestyle change that I am now considering, having not researched it, having not read into it, and having blinkers on about the right way to do things.

2 years ago I would not have left (in fact, I didn't!) a job that was making me miserable. I would not have accepted defeat and walked away with nothing to go to next.

I have changed the past 2 years - my name, my address, my whole life's direction. I'm also on the path to happiness - one that I know will lead to the things that I want, the things that I deserve, and the things that I have worked for. 2 years ago I would have not believed in myself , and now I do.

Day 21: One of your favourite TV shows

I have a few favourite TV shows that I love to watch, but my guilty pleasure is Family Feud.

It's a classic that's just been bought back to Aussie TV - a staple of my childhood, the source of many an argument and discussion over dinner. The revamp is great - it's exactly the same as the original. Grant Denyer is the host, a classic Aussie bloke with a quick wit. The contestants are nutbags. The questions border on ridiculous.

Youtube clips of the US version bring me to tears with laughter.

Perfect.

Day 20: How important you think education is

At the moment, my opinion of education is extremely jaded. I went to high school and did very well. I went to university and completely bombed. I didn't ever fail any subject, but I did withdraw before I really got into the swing of everything.

Higher education is a bee in my bonnet at the moment. I've been unemployed for the better part of six months, and am disgusted at the number of 'opportunities' that have been suggested to me - mostly places in courses that I don't believe are valuable, that are fully government funded (read: borrow now, pay later) and that have no guarantee of a job at the end, by training organisations and supposed employers.

I believe that for many professions, study is essential. I appreciate that doctors and lawyers and nurses and mechanics and hairdressers need to learn their craft, hone their skills, and perform their daily tasks correctly. There are some professions though, that should value experience over paper-based qualifications. The ability to write an essay, reference materials using the 'Harvard' method, or bludge through a group assignment, has nothing to do with any of the work that I have done over the last 12 years of being employed full time. I've been quite successful and stayed in jobs long term because employers value my work ethic, my nature, and my experience.

Trying to find work is HARD. Pitching yourself with no formal qualification is tough.

Education should not be the main factor, and while it is important in certain situations, I don't place anywhere near as much importance on education as others do. I believe in a well-rounded person - a mixture of education, experience, and ethic.

In a world where 90% of the jobs available in the next 30 years have not even been thought of yet, I wonder if society's view will catch up with my own... or will I just get left behind?

Day 19: Your biggest regret in life

I regret nothing. I wish things had happened differently sometimes (like meeting my husband earlier and getting my sh*t together financially sooner than I did), but if things had happened differently, I wouldn't be the person I am, would I?

It's interesting to look back with hindsight and think - yeah, I shouldn't have done that. If I hadn't done that, though, I wouldn't have learned the lesson, and I wouldn't have thought what I think about the thing, and I'd be different.

I kind of like who I am right now. There is a lot going on in my life at this very moment that I am not happy with, but the person I am is not something I would change.

I have no regrets!

Day 18: A book you could read over and over again and not get tired of...

Diana Gabaldon. Outlander series. 8 books and counting (just got signed for the next installment!).

I've read the first 7 twice, but so much happens that I had to start again before reading the 8th which was released late last year. I'm not up to it yet! These books are so long, but you don't even notice... I read for about an hour every night before bed, most nights of the week... so they're ridiculous.

I was first introduced to the series by my Gran. She's a big one for reading, and she reads pretty much anything. She gave me the first 3 books after she found out there were more and didn't want to get lost in the rest of the story. Apparently they weren't raunchy enough for her, which is a statement for an 80 plus year old woman who's husband passed away 15 years ago. I find them plenty raunchy.

The series has recently been made into a TV show - but the first season was split into two sections and the second won't be aired for another six months. Boo. I'm refusing to watch it until I can watch the entire season at once, so waiting is in order. While I wait, I'm reading away so that I can get up to the last one that I haven't read. I'm on book 6 (25% according to my Kindle) so should be up to the 8th by Christmas.

I love that it transports me to another point in time. I'm immersed in the world of Outlander, curious as to what will happen next, and astonished at the details. The author really knows what she's doing, and considering she started writing the first one over 20 years ago and is still going..... she's doing something right!

Given the length of the series, and the ease with which it is written, I really do think it's something I'll continue to read for a long time. Reading it this time (pretty sure it's the third time through for me) there is so much that I have forgotten so it's like reading it for the first time. I simply love it!

There are also two spin-offs that I'm yet to get a hold of, so if I ever get sick of this family's story but want to stay in the world of Outlander, I can skip over to those stories. Wowsers...

Get on it...

Diana's Website

Day 17: Your highs and lows of this past year

This past year has been one of the most tumultuous of my life - with massive highs and some pretty low lows. Here they are:

HIGHS

The year started on the biggest high EVER as it was our wedding night! We rang in the new year with friends and family at our wedding reception, followed by a massive honeymoon in Canada and the US.

My first year of teaching calisthenics on my own has been one of mostly highs - I have learned so much about myself, about teaching. The girls I teach are at such an impressionable age - they look up to me and are such sponges, taking in so much that I tell them, and show them... sometimes I really have to check myself and reign myself in!

My husband has shown me absolute unconditional love this year. What a high that is. To know that he loves me as I am, with all my flaws, is astonishing. He's definitely a high!

LOWS

The bullying and harassment at my former workplace was a definite low. The way I left was also pretty horrible, and left me feeling pretty terrible for quite some time. I put on a brave front, but I'm still feeling the effects in my self-esteem and self perception. Trusting other people is really difficult, as is letting people in past my walls.

The job search is becoming quite a low as well. I'm just so sick of putting myself out there to be knocked down again. Applying for jobs that turn out to be an organisation putting you through training for a 'potential job' that doesn't actually exist is a joke. The government is currently running a scheme where they offer a grant to organisations who are upskilling their employees - and the loopholes around this mean that certain training organisations can offer courses and get the grant, even when there is no job at the end of it. It's bullsh*t. It's also disheartening to attend interviews and be passed over - someone who has no experience, but this bogus qualification is chosen above me (who has extensive experience but no piece of paper).

My struggle with weight loss - both with motivation and in the application, has also been a low this year. I just can't find it within myself to do what I know I have to do. I don't think I really want it - I can't possibly want it if I'm not doing what I should be doing. Urgh. Low.

Enough. Moving on. Looking for more highs!

Day 16: Your thoughts on mainstream music

I hate to love it. I love music, and most pop songs I cannot stand when I first hear them, but find myself singing along whenever they're on the radio, and really enjoying.

The music is generally great, it's just the videos that I can't stand. Young kids today are exposed to so much sexualisation, and music is no different. I see it in the girls I teach - they're always wanting to add in moves from their favourite videos. They have no idea what the moves mean, what they're representing, they just see older and cooler people doing them and they want to do it too. It's shocking!

I don't see why sex has to be such a big part of everything - it's great, but it's not the be all and end all of life. It doesn't need to be so 'in your face' all the time. I'd like kids to just be able to be kids, while they're kids. I'm worried for my children, when they arrive, for how quickly society expects them to grow up and be mature. It's scary.

Day 15: Write 15 interesting facts about yourself

1. I am too open with my bodily functions - I'm happy to talk about everything that's going on in the form of gas, waste, sweat, or reproduction.
2. I'm very shy with people I don't know, or people that intimidate me.
3. I am deliriously happy when at calisthenics, disgustingly happy when with my husband, but extremely sad most of the other times.
4. I quite enjoy watching children's movies and TV shows. Often a Saturday and Sunday morning will see my husband and I on the couch watching cartoons (our favourites are Ben 10 and Adventure Time)
5. I have food issues. I can't eat fruit - I gag when it goes near my mouth, and touching it is quite gross.
6. I have further food issues. Hot things and cold things shouldn't touch. Chocolate pudding and icecream? No. Seperate plates or bowls please.
7. I really enjoy the feeling of peeling skin off my body. Not in a sick, cannibal kind of way, but if I've been sunburned, the next few days are pretty exciting. When Milky Foot was released, I was in heaven. I need to get that sh*t again.
8. I don't wear makeup on a regular, or even semi-regular basis. I'm lucky to put on mascara twice a week, and I've had the same foundation for OVER 5 years. Not kidding.
9. I love baking, creating, being in the kitchen. Seeing people eat things that I have made, and enjoy them, makes me happy.
10. My husband and I have the great balance of together and apart sorted. We spend enough time apart and doing our own things that when we come together we always have plenty to talk about and appreciate the time we spend together. For some, this wouldn't work, but for us, it's perfect.
11. I really want to lose weight, but I don't think I want it as much as I should.
12. I find it hard to accept help. There's something about being independent and accomplishing things on my own that makes me stubborn and slow to accept help. I could achieve so much more if I did.
13. I'm writing this watching a Disney movie. One about a normal girl who meets a pop-star guy... and I'm really loving it.
14. I want to travel - I want to go EVERYWHERE and do ALL THE THINGS.
15. I love the idea of writing these random 'things about me' posts and then I can never think of anything to put in them.

Day 14: Your earliest memory

My earliest memory is from when I was about 4 or 5, the first time I tied a shoelace properly.

Mum was in the shower and I was in the loungeroom playing with my shoelace board. We had been reading 'The Shoelace Box' - a Golden Book about a boy who wore big rubber boots to school every day because he didn't know how to tie his laces. I learned to read very early - my older brother was at school and learning to read, so we did it together. Reading was a big part of our childhood and we would go to the library with Dad on a Saturday morning. Golden Books were a massive part of our collection and Mum and I had been reading this particular one for a couple of days. I had mastered most of the words and was getting to the point where I could almost read it on my own.

I had my very own shoelace board (like the lid of the box above, but just a piece of wood instead of a whole box) and had been trying and trying for weeks and weeks to get the bows just right.

One this particular day, Mum was in the shower and I was playing with the board. I did it! I tied the bow perfectly. I untied it and tied it again. I was so excited that I barged into the bathroom and bugged Mum until she got out of the shower and watched me tie the bows.

Super proud of myself, I wore my runners for the next few days and refused to let Mum help me tie them, even though it would take me 20 minutes to get them tied!

Day 13: Somewhere you'd like to move or visit

This is a good one!

Somewhere I'd like to move:

The country. I've always thought I might like to live in a small community, with a property big enough to have some animals (pigs, goats, chickens, maybe a cow) a vegie patch, and a lot of room for kids to play, get messy, and generally have a ball. A simple life, nothing fancy. Quite hilarious though, given that I've never gardened and have no idea about animals.

Somewhere I'd like to visit:

Everywhere!!!!

Day 12: Bullet point your day

- Woke up
- Had vegemite on toast
- Watched some TV
- Had more vegemite toast
- Watched more TV (terrible pattern here...)
- Got sorted with makeup and clothes for job interview
- Drove to interview
- Filled in some paperwork
- Listened to people sing Happy Birthday to someone in the office
- Had interview (went well, I think!)
- Drove back home
- Nagged husband about going out and getting supplies for his week off (he's a gamer, new game released tonight, probably won't sleep for 3 days so needs energy drinks, chips, and sugar laden treats)
- Had delicious Taco Stuffed Cheesy Rolls for lunch
- Watched TV while checking Facebook
- Reminded husband about supplies
- Got ready for Calisthenics Presentation Night
- Drove to Mum's to pick up costumes and other stuff for Calisthenics Presentation Night
- Drove to Calisthenics Presentation Night
- Performed at Calisthenics Presentation Night
- Picked up pizza for dinner
- Drove home
- Watched TV while eating pizza
- Drove to old house's shopping centre to pick up game release (gotta love midnight releases, and shops that won't let you transfer a purchase to a closer store so you've gotta travel over an hour to get it...)
- Drove home while trying to keep husband awake by being annoying and singing
- Went to bed

What a day!

Day 11: Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up

I'm going to do this one with my iTunes - my iPod is only used for calisthenics and consequently only has kids' music and funky old piano music for exam routines. And a couple of 1D and 5SOS songs for the warming up. Not cool. (okay... a little bit cool... but what respectable young woman is going to admit they like boy bands??)

1. Earth - Imogen Heap - My brother introduced me to her after seeing her live one day. He explained how she makes her music and plays it live, by recording each component seperately and then playing each section over each other. Magic. I've downloaded a few of her albums and they're all amazing. Catchy tunes, fascinating lyrics. Hearing her stuff always reminds me of him - he now lives in Canada and we don't see each other or speak very often so it's nice to have these little reminders!

2. The One I Love - David Gray - I love this man's music. It's easy listening, thought provoking, sensual music. You can have it on in the background and just absorb it, or sit in a quiet room and just listen.

3. Families Cheating at Boardgames - Ben Lee - This guy is quirky, but I love him! There was a time when I knew all the lyrics to all the songs, and I'm sure if I listened to them again it would all come back to me. Listening to Ben Lee reminds me of the times I pretended to go to uni - I was enrolled, but I spent all my time reading novels in the library listening to Ben's music. I'm glad I quit uni when I did because it really was a massive waste of money to go do free things in free places while accruing a massive HECS debt (which I have now paid!)

4. Bond on Bond - Bond - This strings band (I think a couple of violins and a cello?) featured heavily in my calisthenic career from years 10-15 - guaranteed we did at least one song from their collection every year for quite some time. A modern take on classic pieces made it perfect for calisthenics!

5. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Party Album - This one was part of the playlist for our recent wedding. Gotta get those classics out for the oldies to boogie to on the d-floor! It was a hit with young and old, if I recall!

6. All In My Head - Missy Higgins - Missy was another one of the artists that I went crazy for and listened to over and over on repeat on the bus, train, and in the library in my 'studying' days. I loved her soulful sound.

7. Santa Fe - Rent Broadway Cast - I do love a musical. This one made me cry - Angel and Collins' story is one of true love, one that I never thought I could have for myself. One that I can't believe I have now! Santa Fe is about doing what you've always loved, no matter how much (or little!) money it will make you. I need to find my 'restaurant in Santa Fe'.

8. Spice Up Your Life - Spice Girls - This should be in everyone's collection. Classic 90's girl power! Calisthenics staple, d-floor filler, Saturday morning house cleaning music.... it is appropriate for everything!

9. The Finish Line - Snow Patrol - Grey's Anatomy is a source for real tear-jerking songs and this is no exception. The Snow Patrol album was on repeat in one of my 'depresso' periods where I would sit in my room and cry for the life I wanted but didn't have. I haven't listened to this album in quite some time and I wonder how I would feel about it now that my life is better and my head is in a better space?

10. If Time Is All I Have - James Blunt - Not many people would admit that they have not one, not two, but THREE James Blunt albums in their collection, but I do. I enjoy his whining, and this one was definitely played on repeat while I was playing silly computer games in my early 20s.

Doing this exercise has made me realise that I don't listen to music anywhere near as much as I used to. I'm not sure when this happened, but I think it might have been when I moved out of home and got myself a TV. I used to spend a lot of time in my room, reading, listening to CDs on repeat. I don't really do that much anymore, but I might just start!

Day 10: Your guilty pleasure (or pleasures)

Food. Sugar.

Spending a day on the couch with the laptop, a TV series on DVD, a book, some chocolate and a bottle of Coke.

Baking.

Stationary. Pens, especially.

Laughing, and making others laugh.

Day 9: If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

I've always said I don't want a career. When I was growing up, when everyone else was talking about being a doctor or a teacher, I was talking about being a mum.

They say it's the toughest job in the world, but I simply cannot wait for it to be mine.

In reality, this won't happen for a year or so, at least. So for now, I have to make do with getting money for working for other people. I have two interviews this week for positions that I hope can fulfil this need for the next few months until I'm lucky enough to get pregnant...

Day 8: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

This morning, after receiving a phone call, I felt quite satisfied.

You see, last night, I hosted a sleepover party with my 7 gorgeous girls that I coach. It was nothing special - we got some pizza, watched some movies, had some giggles, and didn't get anywhere near enough sleep. There was way to much energy to contemplate consuming more sugar, so the slices I had prepared stayed in the fridge.

My husband, who had contemplated finding a hotel room for the evening after realising he would be sharing a house with 7 tweens, decided to stay at home and brave the madness. After everyone had left, he turned to me and said 'Babe... if we have 7 children, we're not gonna last...' The fact that he is even contemplating kids after a good 14 hours solid of listening to inane chatter and squealing is the best sign ever.

Then I got a phone call for a job interview next week. I just need a job, and then everything else can fall into place. I am satisfied with my life - this will just make it so much better!

Day 7: Your favourite childhood toys

My childhood was full of fun, laughter, intrigue, mystery, imagination.... but not many toys. We weren't a family full of 'stuff', we were a family full of love (and a Dad who worked bloody hard so that our Mum could stay home and make our childhood magical so money was tight).

I didn't have many toys, if I did, I don't remember them. We didn't get the lastest game console every time it came out, I missed most of the 'trendy toys' that came along each year at school. Did I notice? NO! We had so much fun growing up playing outside, getting as dirty/wet/muddy as possible. We had a pool, and a massive backyard so most of the kids up and down the street spent summer days and long warm nights at our place. We lived next to a National Park so weekends were spent wandering the paths and trying to find the Bunyip.

We had stuff, like Lego and board games for winter. We had bikes and rollerblades (one summer our whole street made up a roller hockey team and we did training and everything... hilarious!) and a trampoline and the pool.

I suppose what I'm saying is I don't remember the toys. I remember the fun I had with my brothers and the other kids in the street and from school. I remember staying up all night playing Monopoly against my Dad (and that one time when I beat him!), having Upside Down day with Mum (the day where you have a Roast for breakfast and Eggs and Bacon for Dinner), and coming inside when the street lights came on.

I had the best childhood. I don't remember the toys though...

Day 6: Your zodiac sign and if it fits your personality

According to this website, I am:

Taurus - The Bull
April 20 - May 20
Taurus zodiac signs and meanings, like the animal that represents them, is all about strength, stamina and will. Stubborn by nature, the Taurus will stand his/her ground to the bitter end (sometimes even irrationally so). But that's okay because the Taurus is also a loving, sympathetic and appreciative sign. The Taurus is very understanding and when we need someone to unburden ourselves to, we often share our deepest fears with the Taurians of the zodiac. Taurians are very patient, practical and efficient, they are excellent in matters of business and are also wonderful instructors/teachers. Although initially they may have their own best interest at heart, they are ultimately & endlessly generous with their time, possessions and love.

This describes me quite nicely! I'm super stubborn, patient, efficient, practical.... all of them. There's nothing in this that I don't agree is me.

Now the sceptic in me thinks that I could pick any zodiac description and make it work. I don't read my horoscope daily, nor take any notice of my 'perfect match' or lucky numbers. I believe in creating my own destiny, not doing what someone else has told me I should and reading into situations because of something I read should be happening.

Do you believe?

*I had this all ready to go last night and went to bed before I finished.... stay tuned later today for Day 7!

Day 5: Your favourite comfort foods and why

Carbs. In all forms. Because carbs.

Sugar is my comfort - be it in icecream, chocolate, cake, biscuit or any other form. I just love it.

As I've stated previously, I need to learn to stop loving it. I need to learn to stop using it as a comfort and relying on it for energy boosts throughout the day.

When I was growing up, we had veg in a vegie crisper (Tupperware) which left the veg drawers empty for chocolate. We called it 'the chocolate drawer'. Some of Mum's friends worked at the Cadbury factory and we got loads of freddo frogs, mishapen crunchies, and all sorts of other goodies. After dinner and most afternoons we would go into the chocolate drawer for a treat.

I don't blame my parents for my weight, but the habits that formed in early life are hard to break.

And then there's bread and pasta. Another great love of mine that needs to be drastically reduced. A big warm bowl of creamy pasta (or bolognaise, I'm not fussy!) or some delicious soft bread to accompany a meal... oh I'm in heaven.

That's enough. I can't talk about this any more. Can't wait to get a job and get onto this program that I'm looking into and change my mindset about food from being a comfort to being a fuel. It's a pity about money...

Day 4: Your views on religion

Here's my view on religion...

Yes, I have a view on religion. I have religious affiliations, beliefs and values. But they are mine, and I'll never try to push them on anyone. My husband and I have discussed how we might broach the subject when raising our children (we are from different religious backgrounds, although branches of the same core belief) and have decided we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So for now, religion is a part of my private life.



NOvember update:
1. I haven't weighed since my initial weigh in. Tick
2. No fast food in Drive-Thru form, minimal fast food in other forms, Tick (none at all! so stoked!)
3. 30 minutes of purposeful movement each day. Fail once. Tick twice.
4. Drink 2 litres of water. Tick. Minimal soft drink. Tick (ish). I'm addicted. I'm working on it. 2 cans a day is minimal, right?

Day 3: Your top 5 pet peeves.

Oh I have a lot of pet peeves. Too many to mention! So I'll get a top 5 for you...

1. Spitters. People who spit are gross. Swallow it, find a napkin, or wait until you're in private. Not out on the footy field or in the street - these are not acceptable spit locations.

2. Impolite people. Saying please and thank you will get you a lot in this world, and it doesn't take much to do it.

3. Upside down toilet rolls. The paper is designed to come over the front of the roll - all of the pictures printed on the roll only make sense this way.

4. Hot foods and cold foods together. Cold foods should be cold, and hot foods should be hot. When you put them together (like warm cake and icecream), it's just wrong. Hot foods and cold foods (warm chicken and salad) can be on the same plate, but should not intermingle and be eaten together. Yes, this is a big deal.

5. People who say 'ongyun'. It's onion. There's no g. I will snigger and smirk when you say it. I may even chortle.

So there are some things. What are your pet peeves?

Day 2: Where would you like to be in 10 years?

In 10 years, I'd like to be right here, sitting on the couch, writing in my journal. The only difference is that we'll be in our own home, the kids (2 or 3 of them) will be in bed, tucked up for the night ready for school in the morning.

It's a simple wish.

On the first of NOvember my true love gave to me...

... a new place for the couch and TV!

As I said before I'm participating in a blog challenge for the month of November. Today's prompt is:

Your current relationship.

So here it is... my fairy tale come true...

We met about 3 and a half years ago, through eHarmony. We breezed through their guided communication in about 3 hours, the next day we were chatting on the phone, and we met in person for a drink 3 days later. That drink extended into dinner, which morphed into a movie, and ended over 24 hours later after a sleepover (no naughty stuff, I promise!) and a walk in the park.

I moved in with him after 9 months, and he proposed at my 30th birthday party in front of 150 of my closest friends and family. The proposal took me by surprise because he had said there was no way he'd be getting up in front of everyone to make a speech, so when he did, I was blown away. We married on New Year's Eve 2013, honeymooned in Canada.... and now here we are. We moved house recently and today decided that the lounge wasn't set up in an ideal way, so we moved the furniture around. (as mentioned above)

There's our relationship in a nutshell, but it doesn't come close to describing how I feel. I absolutely love this man with all my heart. I love the way he makes me feel. I love that I can be myself around him, that I don't feel like I have to wear makeup and designer clothing every day. He's happy when I'm in trackies, and he loves when I 'dress up' in nicer clothes (or that special nighty!). He supports me in my effort to better myself without making me feel guilty when I slip up or go off track for a while. He's yet to work out where the bin is, or have any sense of preparation when it comes to thinking about washing, cooking, cleaning or running a household..... but I bloody love him. He always has the best intentions and brings out the best in me.

NOvember Rules:
1. No weighing
2. No fast food in Drive Thru form. Minimal fast food/takeaway/delivery food.
3. No laziness. At least 30 minutes of purposeful movement each day
4. No dehydration. At least 2 litres of water each day. Minimal soft drink.

Rocktober is over... onto NOvember!

Today is the last day of Rocktober, and it's fairly safe to say I didn't Rock in October.

I'm not calling it a failure, but it certainly wasn't a success. Here's what went right in Rocktober:

-Operation Move has been amazing. I'm really enjoying the program and although the runs aren't a breeze, it's more enjoyable than previous attempts at running. I made a point of making sure that the running was about enjoying the run, making time for myself, and just going with it. Previous attempts have focused on calories burned, times, splits, pace.... DROVE ME NUTS. I hated the times when my pace dropped, when it got too hard and I had to slow down, and that made me give up. Now I'm just running to say that I can. To enjoy the feeling of pushing myself, or not pushing myself. Just listening to the music (thank you Pandora), waiting for the beep and the lady who tells me what's up next. It's easy. I'm also enjoying not being on a treadmill. I don't really like the treadmill because I'm not that steady on pace so can never find the comfortable running speed. The footpath doesn't move, so there goes that problem.

-Operation House-Unpack is going well. Mostly everything is done, we just need to do a little rearranging in the lounge room which we should get to tonight, and then attack the spare room. We have too much stuff (and I thought I culled when we moved!!) but I'm working on it. The house is looking much more lived in, much more homely. I still get lost going to the toilet sometimes, but that's because I'm a numpty...

-Operation Drink-More-Water is gathering momentum. I got some fancy new Tupperware bottles and keep the fridge well stocked so am making an effort to drink water instead of soft drink and am regularly getting over a litre a day. I need to make that 2.5-3 litres, but hey, who's perfect?

That's about all that's gone right.

My lack of a job has put a halt on all of the other things I want to do. No money means no starting the new food program I want to start. Needing to buy a month's worth at a time means that we'd need to have a little more spare than we have (or dip into savings) so that's on hold until I get paid work.

I had an interview yesterday that I felt went well, but today got the call that I was unsuccessful. It was only a part-time position, but I'll take anything I can get at the moment. I do have another interview for a different full-time position on Wednesday next week so hoping that one goes better and I get a job out of it. I just want to work.

We also applied for government assistance and were knocked back. It's a real shame that my husband is employed in a minimum wage job and we actually have some savings... because we don't qualify for any payments. After working for 12 years and paying tax, being unemployed twice in that time and never claiming anything... I feel kinda jibbed. While I'm glad that we're considered 'well off' in the eyes of the government, it doesn't really help with the day-to-day living costs. It sucks for my husband too as we have to cut down on all unnecessary spending so he misses out. The guy at Centrelink told me I'd be better to have a baby ASAP and then we'd qualify for a range of assistance. No worries Champ. I'll get onto that.

So... what's next? NOvember. I'll be saying No a lot. Mainly to unnecessary spending, but also to junk food, laziness, unhappiness and soul-suckers. I've downloaded an image for a 30 day blog challenge which I plan to complete for the month, and I'll also weigh myself on the 1st and then not weigh again until the 30th. This will be hard (and is one of the No's for the month) as I'm a daily weigher!!

See you tomorrow...

Rocktober is nearly over...

I can't believe it! Nearly the end of October! When did that happen?

So much has happened in the last few weeks, I don't even know where to begin...

Food Stuff:
I've been wanting to try something new but right now it's not possible - money is tight and the initial outlay is more than we can afford right now. The program is a nutritional cleanse and is bought 30 days at a time so quite a pricey start. I'm totally bummed because I really want to give it a go, but understand why it's not possible.

Work Stuff:
I still don't have a job. This makes me sad. Rejection emails flood my inbox, and the only phone calls I get are people telling me I'm not successful but 'can we interest you in this Certificate that is free to you but gets us a Government grant for training you'. I have no idea why I need a piece of paper telling me I can do all the things I've been doing for years in the workplace, but apparently that piece of paper is more highly regarded than 10 years of experience when it comes to applying for work. I'm headed down to Centrelink in the morning to see about benefits. This also makes me sad.

Fitness Stuff:
My running program is the best thing going on right now. I'm enjoying my runs and getting better at pacing myself so that I can last the distance in the intervals. I'm not setting any records, but I'm doing it and I don't particularly care if people see me huffing around the streets. I've given up caring what I look like to others and begun focusing on getting myself sorted out instead. It's working. I also have done a bootcamp-style workout that left my thighs and bum screaming for 4 days... I don't think I'll go back to that one for a while as I quite enjoy going to the toilet pain-free.

Weight Stuff:
It went up, now it's coming down. This made me sad but is making me happy again.

Love Stuff:
I am smitten. I am overwhelmed by the support my husband shows me on a daily basis - he's just the best.

Home Stuff:
We moved. We're now closer to my family and friends and I just love it. It's only been a week and I've already reconnected with heaps of people and feel a little less isolated. We just have sooooo much stuff that needs to be unpacked and sorted through and garage-saled. Urgh.

Cali Stuff:
The big competition for the year is over. This makes me sad. I've retired from competing (again) after this competition, to make babies... which makes me happy. But 26 years of doing the thing I love and I'm not ready to give it up completely, so I'm continuing coaching both teams and solos next year. The girls I am coaching this year are all due for skills exams in a few weeks so I'm caught up teaching them the new syllabus and getting them perfect at it.

Baby Stuff:
We're gonna make some. Not sure when, but the conversations are getting more and more serious. This makes me happy.

Happy things and sad things. A few of each.

Just a small bite, not a huge chunk!

I was asked today how I feel about the program I signed up for, over at Operation Move. My reply was that I love not having access to the entire 10 week's worth of program - because I can't look ahead and freak myself out about how I can't do that yet. I'm loving the OpMove program - it's low key, I don't have to do too much to follow the program, just follow the instructions in the weekly email and check in on the Facebook group page if I feel like it. I do feel like it. I like that it's a small group and that we interact daily.

My food intake has been horrendous this last week (let's be honest.... this last month!) and I've put on weight rather than lost it. I've eaten many things that I haven't eaten for a while - some I've loved just as much as I remembered, and others I've thrown out before finishing as they taste gross or don't make me feel like they used to. I've spent more time in the toilet than I should, and a lot of time with stomach pain from eating all the wrong things.

Next week is a big week. I have the final (big, most important, super fun!) competition for the kids I teach. I'm excited and nervous, they're excited and nervous. It's going to be a blast, but tiring and a super long day. The next morning I get the keys to our new place, which is exciting in it's own right, but frustrating because the new place is 50km from this place so any trip over there will involve filling the car with some of our crap and driving a lot. We're getting the moving trucks and big strong men to help on Thursday so I'm hoping most of the move will be done in one go, with minimal trips back and forth with carloads of crap.

I'm packing this week - and while we don't have as much crap as we used to have (another couple of trips to the opshop), we still have too much crap that I'm not yet prepared to get rid of. I'll probably end up putting a heap of stuff on the local buy swap sell Facebook page after the move as some of those unwanted presents we got for our engagement and wedding cannot be saved to regift if we have nowhere to store them.

Anyway, back to the point of this post - biting off small chunks. I've researched Home Manuals and really want to make a small one for our new home, mainly a food plan and cleaning schedule, and possibly a budget. I'm so disorganised and just leave everything instead of planning and executing that plan effectively. Once the plan is set out, I only have to do small chunks each day instead of looking at a whole week's/month's/year's worth of cooking and cleaning and just giving up.

So until then... I'm taking it one day at a time. Food is going to consist of whatever is in the fridge, freezer and pantry - because I don't want to waste things I've cooked or bought when we move if they spoil in transit. My exercise is planned out (run/jog on certain days and a walk on the other days), and the next two days are devoted solely to packing up the rest of the house and getting everything ready for the move. I just need to remember to leave out anything I'll need for the comp and for the last few days before we go.

Small chunks.

Any tips for me?

Rocktober... my new idea!

People who drink have Febfast. People who can sprout awkward facial hair have Movember. There's Dry July, Steptember, Ocsober... the list goes on...

I'll be doing Rocktober. I Googled it and as far as I can see, it's a Rockabilly lindy hop dance festival, or a beer-drinking, mullet-wearing celebration of Rock music. Mine is not a Rockabilly festival, nor is it a tribute to Jimmy Barnes. It's a tribute to me. To me rocking my own world.

Sound a bit selfish? A bit up myself? I actually don't care. I deserve to treat myself well. To treat myself with kindness and respect. To stop kidding myself that the way I'm living and the way I'm looking is making me happy.

Sure, there are people with major problems in their lives. I'm not one of those people. I'm a person who cruises along. I'm in no real financial trouble, have a roof over my head and someone to love who loves me. I don't really love and respect myself enough though to treat myself well. This month will bring some changes in my life, so why not make a big deal of it?

And so Rocktober. I'm doing it.

-I signed up to a 'learn to run' program over at Operation Move that is starting quite soon. I have always wanted to run but need someone to kick me up the bum sometimes and tell me to just do it. Having a small group means that I'll be very accountable and will have the support of a lovely group of people. I also hope to motivate others and will be including myself in anything that comes along in the way of real life meet-ups, something I have avoided in the past when completing a program.

-We made the decision to move across town and have been accepted in a new rental, with access from the middle of the month. We'll be giving notice at our current rental to leave at the end of the month so I'll be busy for a couple of weeks packing and moving and cleaning.

-I'm sick of eating crap, but I can't stop doing it. Mindful eating is something I have tried to embrace, but with little success. In the last few weeks, however, I have found myself putting things down, stopping before I have finished something if I feel full, and really considering if I want to eat things I shouldn't. Perhaps there is an element of success after all.

There's no plan for Rocktober. No rules. No restrictions. I will weigh in and take some photos and body measurements and set my baseline for some running targets (1km trial) but apart from that I'm just going to Rock it and see what happens at the end.

I have no idea where my life is going career-wise, as there are a couple of courses I want to do and I can't decide which to do first or which will bring me the ultimate job satisfaction. I don't currently have a job at all but with the move being finalised I feel positive about the direction of that at the moment. Something will come up in my numerous job searches, I'm sure of it.

Will you Rocktober with me? Drop me a comment or an email to thenewimprovingmrsp@gmail.com  I'd love some friends! Your Rocktober doesn't have to be the same as mine... you can do whatever you like, as long as you tell me what it is. Get involved. You know you want to!

Again, it's been too long.

I'm sorry... I'm getting terrible at keeping up!

My last post began with a dream, settled on some insecurities, and ended with crushing defeat. And that's how my life has been this past month.

JOB STUFF
I quit my job. It was a highly emotional, thoroughly exhausted, slightly teary farewell. My body simply was not coping with the demands I was placing on it daily - my osteo even mentioned that my muscles felt fatigued and I needed to slow down. I was choosing all the wrong foods, barely making it through the day, collapsing onto the couch of a night-time. My intimate life with my husband suffered. I was cranky, and not wanting to take it out on him, became silent. One morning, I said that I didn't want to go... and he gave me permission to resign. I didn't need his permission, but just having him say 'We can't live like this, you don't need to keep going, you're not happy'... well, that was a breath of fresh air. It was hard to admit that I couldn't do it, but satisfying when my manager acknowledged the pressure he had placed on me, and admitted that they hadn't gone about it in the right way from the beginning.

I'm on the hunt for a new job.... and guess what?

LOCATION STUFF
We're moving to the other side of the city! My family and friends are all on the other side of town and I'm going over for cali once a week and usually am over once or twice a week for something else. It's at least an hour one way, sometimes up to 2 hours depending on traffic and I'm simply over it! My husband's family has had some trials lately and he decided he doesn't need to be near them as much as I need to be near my family. He's always asking when we're catching up with different groups of friends and it's a challenge when we live so far away. We're planning on expanding our family soon, and friends have commented that everyone is too far away to be of much help with a new baby and all that comes with it. And finally, with me resigning and my husband seriously looking for a new job as well, it's the perfect time to have a complete change. So we're house hunting at the moment (not fun as it'll be rentals for 12 months while we get ourselves organised with new jobs and finish saving our deposit for our own home)

FITNESS STUFF
I'm a huge ball of emotion right now, and the fitness stuff has truly gone on the backburner. Every muscle and joint has ached this week - a combination of stopping the insane work, and the whole 'letting go' of everything. I'm a sorry sore mess at the moment. I did manage a couple of walks this week, but it's nothing to rave about.

FOOD STUFF
Can you tell my food plan went out the window? It truly did. I haven't weighed in this week so I don't know what impact the whole thing has had on my weight, but I know it's not been pretty. I've been giving in to whims, but surprisingly have not binged as much as I have in the past. That niggling voice in the back of my head speaks up and makes me think about whether I need to finish the packet of *insert fatty, sugary, carb-laden treat here* and most times I do not. I'm eating way more than I should - but nowhere near as much as I used to. Maybe I am changing slowly...

BLOG STUFF
I'm determined to get some sort of order in this blog this month. I've got a few ideas for some focused posts and also want to have 3 regular posts each week. Stay tuned!

Monday Musings - Things I Know For Sure

I didn't realise it's been so long since I posted - almost 3 weeks have passed and life has been a blur of trolleys, thinking about food, trying to incorporate more exercise, and collapsing at night into bed way too late because I've haven't been able to get off the couch. Some things are working, some things are not, but there are a few things I know for sure...

-I am more motivated when I plan, prepare, and keep up my support system. I spent yesterday with my bestie - we went for a walk, had a decent lunch, and then spent the afternoon setting some goals and planning our food and exercise for the week. I feel super motivated and even have a plan for when the plan fails.

-I don't want to admit to myself... but carbs are my enemy. I tend to binge on them, and any time I deviate from my food plan, it's with carbs. The weeks I get caught up in them, I don't lose. The weeks I stick to a low-carb diet, I lose. I need to stick to a lower carb diet, and that sucks.

-While I love my job, I don't know if I can do it much longer. This makes me sad, because the activity is exactly what I need. The truth is, the department is new to the company and there are quite a few kinks in the system. While I'm happy to help iron them out, I'm not happy to be taken for granted and it's feeling a little like that at the moment. I've been asked to assume the responsibilities of a team leader, without any perks or compensation - which pretty much means ringing people to try to fill shifts and pulling people up on their shortcomings... with no reward. One of the reasons I left my old job was because I was sick of people not taking responsibility for their actions and getting away with slacking off, and now I have to pull everyone up on it, get all the attitude, and have people hate me again.

-I love being a coach, especially to young girls who are growing into themselves right in front of me. The kids I teach are just the sweetest group of girls who make me laugh and want to strangle them at the same time. They've come so far this year, and they have so far to go, but they are just wonderful. Watching them try to work out new things, put their own personality into performances, struggle to control emotional outbursts, and just growing in front of me is something that I really enjoy. I'm already planning next year's items!

-I really do want to lose weight, but at the moment, my desire to satisfy cravings is stronger than my desire to succeed at this. I'm trying to get that balance back between saying yes and saying no, but it really is a battle of wills. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and the hard work has already been done and I just have to maintain it. I know this is impossible, and that I have to live through it... but at the moment it's all too hard. That's confronting to write. Super confronting. I will get there one day...

I reached my first goal today!

Today marked the loss of 5kg. It's not the first time I've lost 5kg, and it won't be the last.... but it IS the first and last time I lose THESE 5kg. Back when I started the work 'Biggest Loser' in 2011, I lost nearly 20kg in 12 weeks. My first weigh in was 134.7kg and for the next 3 years I had a post-it stuck to my computer screen with that number on it. It's also tattooed on my wrist, so I kinda can't forget it.

Today I'm back at the weight I was when I finished that challenge (115kg). 3 years of going backwards and forwards, up and down on the scale. No more.

No more rules. No more 'I'm never eating xxx again'. Just living. Living healthily, looking towards the future, indulging when it's worth it, saying no when it's not. That's how normal people live. I'm normal.

So I lost 5kg, and I'll lose some more. 5kg at a time, until I'm done. I don't know when that will be, but I do know it'll be a long time before I'm finished. I'm finally coming to grips with that fact - I don't like it, but it's the truth. The truth hurts, but so do I when I'm fat and unhealthy. The only way is forward. Here's to the next 5kg!

Trophies are not the only measure of success.

I learned this at an early age, but never really understood it until this week. On Sunday last week, my calisthenics team had our first competition. We came 6th out of 7 teams. We didn't do anything terribly, it's just that the other teams were more polished, more tidy, more together. Yesterday, the team I coach had their first competition. They came 3rd out of 3 teams. They didn't do anything terribly (they even got 2nd for 3 out of 7 performances!), the others were just better on the day.

Were both teams failures? No way.

I was so proud of my girls yesterday afternoon - they did what I asked, when I asked them to. They behaved in the dressing room (which was cramped, stuffy, and tedious) and were even nice to their mothers most of the time. There was little bickering between the girls both during quick changes and long waits between performances. On stage they performed well - I didn't see anything on the stage that I haven't seen at practice. The critique papers I received at the end of the competition were both positive and constructive - the judge could see what I was aiming for and was constructive in her criticism of the actual performance. I'm glad that the things I call out each week are the things that were mentioned as improvements, and that time and practice are the only things we need.

As a coach, it's difficult to be judged on something you have poured so much of yourself into. It's heartwarming to have that work praised and performed well, and to have the girls who have worked hard to please me be rewarded for that effort on the scoreboard. What most pleased me yesterday was the gratitude from the parents and the genuine joy from the girls BEFORE results were announced.

With the team that I perform in, it was a different story. We performed well and were not rewarded with results on the board, and in turn, were looking for someone to blame for our bad results. Yes, everyone put in a little extra effort on stage and that changes things. Yes, nerves take over BIG TIME and that changes things. We were calling for extra practices and changes to routines.... and then we had a video night. We are lucky that most of our performances are filmed - so we headed off to watch the playback as a team. After it had finished, there was a collective sigh of relief. It wasn't terrible after all. Yes, some things happened that don't usually happen, but these things won't happen next time. We'll learn from the experience and improve. Some changes will be (and already have been) made. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't good enough.

As human beings we are constantly looking for success. We thrive on it. I think we need to look for success in all places - not just as results on a board, but as small victories. Nailing a move, smiling at a stranger, setting and achieving a goal, getting enough sleep, drinking more water, seeing the sunshine and getting out in it. Success is all around. Disappointment has to occur for the full measure of success to be realised. Sometimes success or failure is determined by our outlook on the moment - and I am determined to use a positive outlook instead of jumping to the negative all the time.

So yes, it has been a successful week!

Musings of a trolley pusher

My new job is amazingly wonderful. I truly love it. Getting out into the sunshine, chatting to locals, using my body for what it was designed for... I love it! There are some things I've noticed during my week of pushing trolleys, so I thought I'd compile a list here:

# People do not look where they are walking. They're either checking their phone, ogling the wares of the shops, or simply staring at the floor. Anywhere but straight ahead, where I am stopped with my row of trolleys, having given up trying to work out which way they're going to veer next.

# I leave a gap of approx 1 metre on one side of me - generally looking ahead at the traffic in the shopping centre, I see my line of travel and stick to one side of the causeway, avoiding most people or going with the flow of traffic. People will ALWAYS try to squeeze by on the other side, where I'm destined to hit them or squish them between a wall and my trolleys.

# Coin locks are a pain. Coin locks that work differently for different stores are a nightmare for trolley pushers who generally only have the 'magic key' for one type of trolley yet still have to try to sort out the mess that is the trolley bay in the carpark.

# With trolleys, the slower you go, the easier they are to control. It still doesn't mean they're easy, or that I can swerve out of someone's way who decides they want to cut in front of me. I haven't hit anyone (or anything!) yet, but there have been some close calls.

# Yes, I am a girl. Yes, I am pushing trolleys. No, the boys aren't lazy. No, they're not too heavy. Yes, I chose this job. Yes, I'll still be here in a few weeks because I'm not giving up.

# Some people simply cannot smile, or be polite. I continue to smile and be polite because that's just who I am.

There will always be people who believe that my job is beneath me, beneath them, and suitable only for the scum of the earth. This job means more to me than you know...

This job means that someone is paying me to lose weight. My gym membership is useless as I get a full body cardio and strength workout daily. I've lost more weight than I thought I would in only my first week, and I can feel myself getting stronger. That's just the beginning.

I can finally see light in my life. You never know how much you hate something until you don't have to do it any more - and I REALLY hated my old job. I adore getting out into the sunshine - and I'm pretty sure I am affected by SAD (lack of sunlight in winter makes you more depressed and/or anxious) so being out all day is amazing. Although I'm exhausted and everything hurts I still find myself with a smile on my face much more often than not. My husband is now considering his options with his own work - thinking about making a change for himself towards making things different for him as well. I love that we inspire each other, and allow each other to explore options that might go either way. He's allowed me the time I needed to refresh, and now it's his turn!

I have goals again. Things I want to achieve both at work and at home. I no longer feel like I'm stuck on the treadmill of life and have to suck it up until it gets better.

I did that.

I made it better.

She works hard for the money!

Soooooo hard for it honey!!!

Well I started my new job 3 days ago and let me tell you... I never imagined I would enjoy it as much as I do! I have walked more steps than I ever imagined I would, but most of all I feel like what I am doing is actually achieving something.

The store I am working at is very local - I shop there regularly and have now walked the entire centre more times than I care to count. The other staff are very friendly and I'm finding I don't even have to try to smile or chat to people. I don't have to pretend to be happy because I'm genuinely super-enthusiastic about my job. I don't do much except run around collecting trolleys, but I also do a bit of cleaning.

My fitbit stats are going through the roof!! My first day was just over 28,000 steps, yesterday was 32,500 and today was just over 27,000. For someone who averaged 2,000-3,000 a day at a desk job, it's a massive change. My feet are both blistered and my muscles are aching all over. I never realised pushing some trolleys used muscles in my back, abs, legs, and arms. I'm earning more calories in 'extra allowance' than I'm eating in a day - so am effectively in 'negative' calories for the day. If I don't lose weight at this job, I'll know there's something seriously wrong with me!

I weighed in Monday morning at 120.4kg. I told myself I wouldn't let myself get over 120 again (after starting 4 years ago at 135!!) and so I know that this is the catalyst I need to finish this once and for all.

I was thinking about it today - someone is actually PAYING me to lose weight. In fact, one of the country's biggest employers is paying me to LOSE WEIGHT. Who else can say that?

Sometimes people surprise you.

I heard from someone just now, via Facebook, who I hadn't heard from in a few weeks, and never expected to hear from again. It surprised me.

My first thought was 'How genuine is this person?'. She is someone that isn't 'friends' with me on Facebook, so it's not like she saw a post and thought 'I wonder how Mrs P is?'. She's from my old workplace, and was the person who most supported me during my difficulties there towards the end. At the time, I really appreciated her support and respected her for standing up for me, but I truly never expected her to contact me after it was all over.

She surprised me, and not many people do that these days. We've had a nice catch-up over private messages, and I probably won't speak to her again for a while.

In truth, the way I left that place that had been my home for 6 years was unpleasant. I felt like I was shoved out the door (even though it was my decision to leave that quickly) with a quick pat on the back and a 'thanks for coming'. I've been having dreams about confronting people who I worked with, about being forced back to working there, and have woken up shaken and disturbed. This short conversation won't change that, I don't think, but it's good to know that I made an impression on someone, and that someone has tried to contact me since I left. It only took 5 weeks...

Broken

Some might say that I'm broken. After a month of unemployment, I'm headed back to work in a week or so. I'm off to induction on Wednesday, and hopefully starting full time two weeks after. When I've told friends and family the details of the job that I've accepted, they look at me with pity. Yes, it's a manual job well below the standing of my previous employment. Yes, it pays 20% less than my previous job. Yes, I'll be working Saturdays as standard. Yes, I'll be on my own mostly.

But you know what? My last job broke me. I'm looking forward to a job where I'm responsible for ME only. I report to one person, and no-one reports to me. I'll be moving all day, not sitting at a desk staring at a computer screen. I'll be surrounded by people who don't know me, don't have a perception of who I should be, what I should be thinking, or what they think I should be doing. It's certainly going to be a big change, some would say I'm starting from the bottom. I am starting from the bottom. I don't even know if I want to make my way to the top.

Is it okay to settle for something less, when you know it'll make you happy?

Yes.

Is it okay to accept that you're not cut out for a high pressure job with lots of perks?

Yes.

Is it okay to want things for yourself that other people think are below you?

Yes.

Is it okay to be proud that you didn't sink?

I am.

Not broken, just bent.

I'm THAT person.

A recent study showed that people are sick of people who always talk about what diet they're on. I'm one of those people - not the one who's sick of the person, but the person who's always banging on about calories and exercise and food. There are certain people who I discuss ONLY this with - we have nothing else in common. There are other people who ask about my progress, so I feel I must tell them everything, even if they only asked to be polite.

Why do I do this? Because it excites me. It keeps me motivated. It keeps me accountable.

But it hasn't worked. Clearly. I'm still 40kg overweight, and it's been 4 years. I'm only 15kg down from my highest weight and over the last 6 weeks or so I've put on almost 10kg because I'm not focused on what's important. I'm quite focused on shoving whatever calorie-laden, carb-filled meal I can find into my gob. Not an effective strategy.

So I'm changing. Less talking, more doing. I've had 3 good days where I've exercised, eaten well, and focused more on why I'm doing this, instead of dwelling on why I haven't finished yet. Deciding what I want more - a healthy outlook or a delicious meal. Working out how I can still have a delicious meal without the calories - making better choices during the day or substituting certain items or plans for others, so that I still get to eat tasty food, but it doesn't take over my life.

Everything I'm reading lately suggests that it's way more about the food you eat than the exercise you do. I'm proof. I could exercise until the cows come home, but that block of chocolate ruins everything. I'm not able to eat sweet food in moderation - whatever size the package is, I eat the whole thing. So I really can't eat sweet food regularly. I can't REALLY eat it at all, if I'm being honest. This makes me sad. Not as sad as dying early or being fat for the rest of my life, but still pretty sad.

These last few days have given me hope that I can do it. I've eaten some pretty tasty things. I've been hungry, but I've not been dizzy or faint or light-headed. I've listened to my body and delayed starting my food day until a little bit later, because I know that as soon as I start eating I want to continue. I've listened to my body and had a proper, filling, snack a couple of hours before dinner so that I'm not starving when dinner time comes around. I've had different options available for meal-times so that I can choose between two healthier choices instead of throwing in the towel and ordering a pizza or swinging past a drive-through because I don't fancy what I'd originally planned. And most importantly, I've really thought about what I'm eating instead of throwing caution to the wind and just having whatever I want. I'm thinking about what's worked for me in the past, what has absolutely NOT worked for me, and opening my mind to new possibilities instead of bashing my head against the wall with the knowledge I have.

And now I'm being THAT person again. I guess a leopard really doesn't change it's spots, but I'm super excited about my new found enthusiasm.

Determined.

This is me. Today. Determined to have a successful day. I woke up a little later than I thought - but that's what happens when you hit snooze a couple of times, isn't it? I thought to myself "I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to eat well." I played around on the Internet for a while, and then I laced up my shoes... and I went for a walk.

Coming home with the ingredients for lunch, I scanned it all into MFP, and found that it was ridiculously over my calorie allowance for the day. I was looking forward to a delicious red curry chicken with rice. At nearly 900 calories, it was just way too much! So sad... what's a girl to do? Split it into 2, steam some vegies, and get on with it. While the vegies were steaming in the microwave, I divided the rice and curry into two bowls, and amended MFP. Now the meal was going to be 450 calories, which meant no snacks. Another rejig, and I made 3 bowls of rice and curry, the vegies were steamed (broccoli, cauliflower and carrot), for just over 300 calories each.

This meant that today I also had a small brownie, a protein shake, and some ham and cheese for snacks, and I've got enough calories left for my sensible dinner. I'm 'in the green' on MFP, I've got my 10,000 steps for the day. I also managed to swing past the gym on my walk - I haven't been to the gym in at least a month (I've done some walking and biking, but nothing at the gym) so I was surprised that the layout has changed and there were new trainers. I worked on my arms, back and chest for about half an hour.

I also got a couple of rejection emails (boo) and an interview for next week (yay) so there is progress on the jobs front.

It's been a good day. I might even say, it's been a GREAT day. Now to do it all again tomorrow. It wasn't too hard.... after all I have my rice and curry to look forward to!

A week to remember.

I have had one of those. A week to remember. I week I want to forget. I don't want to say too much about it, but I am eternally grateful that I am on the outskirts of this situation, and not completely entrenched like those that are. It is a terrible situation, lives have changed and will be changed forever.

I have found things out that I did not want to know, but at the same time, I'm glad I do know these things. I know that while I want to help as much as I can, this situation is so far away from what I am capable of, so far above my level of expertise (which is minimal!), and far beyond what I can cope with.

I wanted to keep it to myself, to try to cope alone, but I thought the better of it and sought my parent's advice. As always, while they showed unwavering support for my intended method of dealing with the situation I was presented with, they also gave honest feedback. They reassured me that while I want to help, it is not my responsibility to, and that I should not feel guilty for stepping back and allowing things to continue without me.

I suppose I need to apply this advice to other parts of my life as well. I need to accept that it's not always my responsibility to swoop in and save the day. I'm not equipped to deal with every situation, I don't have the experience or the skills to help everyone and solve the world's problems.

Wouldn't it be nice if I did?