I did something just now, and I'm bloody proud!

What did I do? I just frickin did it (in the words of Michelle Bridges). JFDI.

5km in 49 minutes. On a treadmill. Jogging for most of it. I might have only been going at 6km/h, I might have stopped every 3-4 minutes for a 1 minute walk break (at the same speed!), but it was done.

I puffed and shuffled my way through it, ignoring those on the bikes and cross-trainers behind me, staring at my bum and my bright blue leopard print undies that clearly show through my leggings.

I struggled to work out how to have a drink while running, because I've only ever had a drink when I slow to a walk.

I watched some horrible show on cable TV to distract me (Naked and Afraid - Google it!)

I tried not to watch the clock, but couldn't help it.

I told the voices in my head to pipe down when they started telling me my legs were sore and that I should stop. I set a goal before I commenced each jogging section, and stuck to it. Sometimes it was only a minute of jogging, but twice, it was 5 minutes! More often than not, it was 4 minutes.

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

*and now, 30 minutes later, after sitting in the car, I can hardly move! Stupid knees...

I can't think of a title, so this will have to do!

So... what have you been doing the last 10 days? I've just been walking, eating, drinking water... that's pretty much it. I set those habits two weeks ago and am proud to say I've been doing super well. Most days I'm drinking 2 litres of water in addition to a can or two of Pepsi Max, making my 10,000 steps, and making a conscious effort to move for 30 minutes each day. I'm not doing so well on the eating under calories (only been successful on 5 out of 15 days), but it's better than a month ago where I would say I was over calories on 30 out of 30 days. MFP says that too.

I've been getting stuck into the Preseason Tasks with the 12WBT - these are exercises that you do, videos to watch, notes to make - in order to be completely ready when the round kicks off on March 24. I'm trying to take a look at my habits from an outsider's perspective, and it's proving to be quite informative. Every time I've gone off the rails with my food over the last 15 days, it's because I haven't stuck to my plan. I've either ended up in a supermarket when I'm ravenous and bought too much food (and then eaten it because otherwise it would be a waste), or I've been out for the day and haven't thought about what I should eat in advance and made bad decisions.

What does this tell me? Avoid the freakin' supermarket, and take (or buy!) a sandwich when you're out. It's not that hard.

The good news is that even with some bad food days (and not terribly bad, just eating at BMR instead of reducing it), I've lost 2.5kg in the last two weeks. I've just got to stay on track with the good habits and not let the bad habits sneak back through, and the weight will be melting off me. In 6 months time, when we start trying to expand our family (babies! yay!), my weight will not be the thing that is holding us back...

Here we go again.

Yep, I've signed up to the 12WBT again. I've missed the plan. The waking up and doing what you're told, every day. No thinking, just doing. "Robot Mode" as Michelle calls it. Bridges, that is. Queen of Aussie Women's Fitness. Richest woman in Australia*, taking on the world with her life-changing program. *not verified, just my guess...

A friend and I have had this bet for 2 years now - whoever gets under 100kg first gets to punish the other in a workout. Both she and I have yo-yoed for 2 years, and this year I'm going to get there. She's done the 12WBT before, she got me onto it actually, and she's one of those people who always has great intentions and then something happens and everything falls apart. Just like me. Or actually, just like the person I will no longer be.

I don't know what's different this time, but I know that something is different. I've downloaded a 'habit' app for my phone, and have set myself 4 habits every day to achieve. You just tick or cross the box in the app each day, and you can have as many habits as you want. Rather than making many ridiculously precise statements, I've narrowed down 4 things that I want to do every day - 4 things that I have really been aiming to achieve anyway and just needed to define slightly.

1 - Walk 10,000 steps
2 - Move for 30 minutes
3 - Drink 2 litres of water
4 - Eat under calories

They're not drastic, they won't make me lose 30kg in a month, they'll take a little work every day, but they're achievable.

I've worked out my BMR for my current weight, and my goal weight, using MFP. BMR is Basal Metabolic Rate, or the number of calories your body uses just living. Right now, at my current weight of 119.7kg, my BMR is 1974 calories. My goal weight, 75kg, has a BMR of 1527 calories. I figure, as long as I stay under my current BMR, I should lose weight. I don't want to drop my calories to much below my goal weight BMR of 1500 (ish), so that is my current goal on MFP.

The 12WBT calls for a calorie goal of 1200 to lose weight and 1500 to maintain weight. I'm currently on LnE's 1800 program, but am eating around 1500 when I pull out the fruit that I don't eat, so I'm going to stick to that. It's between my two goal counts. There is also almost 5 weeks before the 12WBT officially starts, so I have 5 weeks to test my theory that 1500 calories is my goal that will keep my tummy full, but the number on the scale going down. 5 weeks to stick to LnE exclusively and prove to myself that it works.

I'm getting a bit sick of the food on LnE, but love the convenience of not shopping and just whacking on the oven or microwave. No prep, no cooking. So easy. On the other hand, as I recall the 12WBT food program is quite varied as well, with minimal prep and quite simple recipes. As long as I take the weekends to check the plans, shop, and do as much prep as I can, it will be easy. By the time the 12WBT starts (March 24) I think I'll have a bit more of an idea of which direction I want to take - the combo 12WBT/LnE or the straight 12WBT. I do have the option of selecting a different calorie program and so would take the 1500 calorie option if I choose to go that way.

As I was preparing for my cali class tomorrow night, I realised that I need to be a super planner. I've taken on teaching a team this year, so have had to find music and choreograph 7 routines, as well as take the 2-hour class each Monday. Last week was the first week and I went in very blind - having stumbled off a plane after 30 hours of transit - with no plan and things got out of control quite quickly. Not so out of control that I lost the kid's attention, but we didn't achieve what we needed to in the time allocated, simply because I didn't have a plan. This week I've taken the time to prepare myself, write out a schedule of what we'll be doing and when, listened to the music and practised what I'll be teaching tomorrow night. I'm very sure we'll be in a much better position because of the plan.

This is how my life needs to go - have a plan, execute it, and succeed.

So that's what will happen. Starting 5 days ago.

The 'moon is over, it's time for life to return to normal...

And by normal, I mean someone else's normal, not my normal.

My normal consists of doing basically whatever I like, whenever I like it. Eating whatever I like, exercising regularly, or not regularly, whenever I like it. This is not normal. Normal people enjoy their lives, with some element of planning, and some sort of routine. They deviate from this routine on special occasions, but a special occasion is not just 'Tuesday'.

We got back yesterday from our big trip. We travelled through New York, Toronto, Banff, Vancouver, and LA. It was bloody freezing. The whole trip was spent with two pairs of pants, and at least three layers on the top half, and always accessorized by our silly hats and double-layered gloves. Snot froze in our nostrils, Dave's beard formed icicles on short walks. My feet, normally quite hot, got chilly on more than one occasion. Our silly notions of walking hand in hand through snow-lined streets quickly turned to days spent in bed under the covers watching terrible cable TV.

The trip was marred by one thing. My weight. It became clear as soon as we arrived in Banff and got to the ski-hire shop that we wouldn't be skiing on our ski trip. Firstly, it took about 25 minutes to find boots for me as my calves were too big for most of them. I don't have exceptionally fat calves, but years of dancing on my toes have built up the muscles and the layer of fat that I do have on them made it super hard and super uncomfortable to get boots. Then came the clothing.

The embarrassment that having both a big bum and a bit of a tum that both don't cooperate in pants was enormous. The staff in the shops (yes, we tried three) were clearly uncomfortable every time I emerged from the fitting room with yet another disappointed look on my face. My husband was pissed off that they couldn't provide what I needed. I was pissed at myself and kept thinking of every time I had skipped a workout or scoffed a meal that I shouldn't have. I was in this position through my own fault. And I had ruined our honeymoon.

My husband, being the extremely supportive man that he is, returned all of his gear as well and we didn't ski. He didn't want to ski without me, even though I was perfectly prepared to sit at the top of the mountains with a book while he did. He explained that we had come here together, we were doing things together, and while he wanted to ski, he didn't want to ski alone, so no-one would be skiing. I was so upset that he couldn't do what he wanted because of me.

I was shocked that someone who was fit and healthy couldn't do something that they wanted because of something as silly as pants. I am fit and healthy. Aren't I? Actually, I'm fitter and healthier than other people my size, but the sheer fact is that I am not fit and healthy. My attitude towards myself is not fit and healthy. The way I treat my body tells anyone with a brain that I do not care about myself at all. While I feed my body what it needs, I also feed my emotions what they want. Needs and wants are two very different things, and the result of my giving in to my every want is that my husband could not teach me to ski, could not share with me the joy he had found in flying down a mountain.

And on that day, something changed within me.

I started looking around at other people. I thought back to the previous day when we had shared dinner in the swankiest restaurant in Toronto with my brother and his girlfriend. There was a choice of a 3 course meal, or ordering off the menu. I looked at the menu and was quite prepared to go with the 3 course meal, even though a lot of the options did not appeal to me. My brother's girlfriend decided she would have only 2 courses as dessert does not appeal to her. I thought about my own tastes and realised I wanted only a main and a dessert. No appetiser. I wasn't hungry enough. I would have happily eaten 3 courses and felt sick afterwards, but I didn't. My brother and his girlfriend ordered appetisers and mains, and my husband and I ordered mains and dessert. The world didn't stop turning just because I didn't have 3 courses.

I thought about people on MFP (MyFitnessPal) who had posted updates on how they needed to exercise a little more and eat a little less after a celebration meal full of bread and too much wine. I thought about people I admire, who do the same thing. Indulgences once in a while, sensible choices the rest of the time. Not reward and punishment, just normal.

For the next 10 days, I've tried to be normal. We didn't eat dessert every night. I didn't order my own dessert when we did have it, instead choosing to have a few bites of whatever Dave had ordered, or nothing if he didn't order one. I made some smarter choices, filling up on healthier offerings at the breakfast buffet and only having the decadent waffles covered in syrup a couple of times, rather than every morning. Eating when I'm hungry and trying to eat a bit slower, giving my body the time it needs to realise that I'm full before I feel sick. Delaying giving in to a craving of chocolate just because it's there. Eating only a portion of the food instead of mindlessly munching until the whole thing is gone. Deciding when I'm satisfied by the feeling, rather than because the plate is empty. Not using the excuse of 'we're on holiday' for me to eat everything sweet and carb-laden in sight.

I know all of these things. I've known them for a long time. I tend to let my excuses get in the way of my progress. I use rewards and punishments, constantly swinging between extremes. It's unhealthy. I'm not fit and healthy, I'm struggling. I'm going to struggle through this.

And the song that has just come up on my Pandora is 'Keep Breathing' by Ingrid Michaelson. 'All we can do is keep breathing'... the lyric that is repeated and repeated throughout the song. That's all I can do. I will plan my days, my workouts, my food. I will not make rash statements like 'I'm never eating chocolate again'. I will celebrate my successes by acknowledging them when I've earned them, not by rewarding and punishing like I have in the past. I don't know how long it will take me to change my habits. I've lived this way for as long as I can remember, so these ingrained responses to life's demands will be hard to change.

All I can do is keep breathing.