Monday Musings - Things I Know For Sure

I didn't realise it's been so long since I posted - almost 3 weeks have passed and life has been a blur of trolleys, thinking about food, trying to incorporate more exercise, and collapsing at night into bed way too late because I've haven't been able to get off the couch. Some things are working, some things are not, but there are a few things I know for sure...

-I am more motivated when I plan, prepare, and keep up my support system. I spent yesterday with my bestie - we went for a walk, had a decent lunch, and then spent the afternoon setting some goals and planning our food and exercise for the week. I feel super motivated and even have a plan for when the plan fails.

-I don't want to admit to myself... but carbs are my enemy. I tend to binge on them, and any time I deviate from my food plan, it's with carbs. The weeks I get caught up in them, I don't lose. The weeks I stick to a low-carb diet, I lose. I need to stick to a lower carb diet, and that sucks.

-While I love my job, I don't know if I can do it much longer. This makes me sad, because the activity is exactly what I need. The truth is, the department is new to the company and there are quite a few kinks in the system. While I'm happy to help iron them out, I'm not happy to be taken for granted and it's feeling a little like that at the moment. I've been asked to assume the responsibilities of a team leader, without any perks or compensation - which pretty much means ringing people to try to fill shifts and pulling people up on their shortcomings... with no reward. One of the reasons I left my old job was because I was sick of people not taking responsibility for their actions and getting away with slacking off, and now I have to pull everyone up on it, get all the attitude, and have people hate me again.

-I love being a coach, especially to young girls who are growing into themselves right in front of me. The kids I teach are just the sweetest group of girls who make me laugh and want to strangle them at the same time. They've come so far this year, and they have so far to go, but they are just wonderful. Watching them try to work out new things, put their own personality into performances, struggle to control emotional outbursts, and just growing in front of me is something that I really enjoy. I'm already planning next year's items!

-I really do want to lose weight, but at the moment, my desire to satisfy cravings is stronger than my desire to succeed at this. I'm trying to get that balance back between saying yes and saying no, but it really is a battle of wills. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and the hard work has already been done and I just have to maintain it. I know this is impossible, and that I have to live through it... but at the moment it's all too hard. That's confronting to write. Super confronting. I will get there one day...

I reached my first goal today!

Today marked the loss of 5kg. It's not the first time I've lost 5kg, and it won't be the last.... but it IS the first and last time I lose THESE 5kg. Back when I started the work 'Biggest Loser' in 2011, I lost nearly 20kg in 12 weeks. My first weigh in was 134.7kg and for the next 3 years I had a post-it stuck to my computer screen with that number on it. It's also tattooed on my wrist, so I kinda can't forget it.

Today I'm back at the weight I was when I finished that challenge (115kg). 3 years of going backwards and forwards, up and down on the scale. No more.

No more rules. No more 'I'm never eating xxx again'. Just living. Living healthily, looking towards the future, indulging when it's worth it, saying no when it's not. That's how normal people live. I'm normal.

So I lost 5kg, and I'll lose some more. 5kg at a time, until I'm done. I don't know when that will be, but I do know it'll be a long time before I'm finished. I'm finally coming to grips with that fact - I don't like it, but it's the truth. The truth hurts, but so do I when I'm fat and unhealthy. The only way is forward. Here's to the next 5kg!