Since my last update, I have been less than impressed with my efforts. I haven't turned it around AT ALL. I'll be surprised to see a loss, or even a maintain on the scale, despite my efforts in the exercise department. It's been a write-off foodwise, but I'm ready to start over.
No massive declarations of 'being good from Monday'. Just a new determination to get it done. Tomorrow morning will tell the tale of what has been happening this week, and I'll have to accept it and move on. There's nothing else to do, than keep plodding along.
I have to do it. There's no choice, there is only life. And I want to live it, and live it well.
Sunday 30 March 2014
Wednesday 26 March 2014
I had an oops... so what did I do?
Yesterday was a horrible day. I caved in to the treats offered at a work seminar, then got stuck in traffic for 2 hours which meant I couldn't do my planned workout before teaching a class, and decided that 2 strawberry jam donuts were the answer to my problems. I immediately felt a wave of guilt and shame after I was finished with the donuts.
Then I stepped back. Guilt and shame are not feelings I want to associate with food.
I had done it. I couldn't undo it. How could I turn it around?
I came home, and did my workout. I got all my food together for today, had a shower, and went to bed. I woke up determined to succeed this morning, and boy did I succeed! I've stuck to the meal plan all day. I smashed my workout this afternoon. I even prepped a couple of meals for the weekend.
I didn't flog myself for my oops. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know that one day won't ruin this for me. It's much more important to focus on the good days, on making more good days than not-so-good days, and picking myself up when I fall down.
I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed those donuts while I was eating them. I didn't enjoy the sickly feeling afterwards from the excessive indulgence, or the feelings and thoughts in my head afterwards.
Onwards and upwards!
Then I stepped back. Guilt and shame are not feelings I want to associate with food.
I had done it. I couldn't undo it. How could I turn it around?
I came home, and did my workout. I got all my food together for today, had a shower, and went to bed. I woke up determined to succeed this morning, and boy did I succeed! I've stuck to the meal plan all day. I smashed my workout this afternoon. I even prepped a couple of meals for the weekend.
I didn't flog myself for my oops. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know that one day won't ruin this for me. It's much more important to focus on the good days, on making more good days than not-so-good days, and picking myself up when I fall down.
I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed those donuts while I was eating them. I didn't enjoy the sickly feeling afterwards from the excessive indulgence, or the feelings and thoughts in my head afterwards.
Onwards and upwards!
Thursday 20 March 2014
A letter to myself... my homework for Michelle!
The 12WBT is about to begin (4 days to go!), so the participants have been given the first week's menu, exercise plan, and challenge. The challenge this week is to write a letter to ourselves, answering a set of questions or prompts. Here goes!
Dear Kelly,
First off, I know you are feeling a little bit nervous, a little bit excited, and very motivated. It's a little bit different than before, and you like it, because you know that it's going to be THIS TIME. It's going to be this time, because you've changed. You no longer act on your impulse to gratify first and think later. You don't deny yourself, but you don't indulge every time either. You consider the consequences of your actions, before you take them, rather than feeling guilty and killing yourself in the gym afterwards. You are learning how to control your mind, train it to think the way you want it to, while still being a fun, life-loving person. you're not missing out on anything, you're allowing yourself to live a healthy, full, life.
What happens when a bad day rolls around? How will you cope? How will you shine? You'll do what you've always done - make the most of the situation. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Go back to your goals. Remember why you're doing this. You'll slip, it's inevitable. It's what comes after the slip that's important. How quickly you pick up the pieces and get back in the game. How well you recognise the behaviour, acknowledge it, modify it, and move on. Get back on track.
You've got it in you. You've done it before. Remember back to when you first started at this job and you were determined to win that competition? You stuck to the plan, you did what needed to be done. You need to do that again. You've proved it to yourself this week, and last week, and you can continue to do it FOREVER. Remember how you realised that? That this isn't for 12 weeks, that this is forever? Yeah. It still is.
What will make you proud? Hitting that goal weight? Running a 10km race? Getting through a cali class without wondering how you can get out of doing something because you can't expend the energy required? Waking up one morning and realising that you're growing a person inside of you? All of these things will make you proud. Changing your body and your mind will change your life. That will make you proud, won't it? Yes. It will.
Who's here for you? So many people. More people are here for you than want you to fail. You need to accept help when it's offered. Stacey is your rock. Dave is your husband and best friend, your confidant, your partner in crime. There are so many around you who want you to succeed. Who know you can do it. Who want to see you shine. There are a few who will be jealous, who don't like that you're becoming a better person. Forget those people. They don't matter to you, they never have. You're doing this for YOU.
The ones who matter, they'll tell you to stay strong. To be determined to succeed. To make the right choice, even when the right choice is the hard choice. There's always a price to pay for the easy way out, and you've paid enough already. It's time to get into credit, to start living, and living well.
See ya soon, you crazy kid!
Dear Kelly,
First off, I know you are feeling a little bit nervous, a little bit excited, and very motivated. It's a little bit different than before, and you like it, because you know that it's going to be THIS TIME. It's going to be this time, because you've changed. You no longer act on your impulse to gratify first and think later. You don't deny yourself, but you don't indulge every time either. You consider the consequences of your actions, before you take them, rather than feeling guilty and killing yourself in the gym afterwards. You are learning how to control your mind, train it to think the way you want it to, while still being a fun, life-loving person. you're not missing out on anything, you're allowing yourself to live a healthy, full, life.
What happens when a bad day rolls around? How will you cope? How will you shine? You'll do what you've always done - make the most of the situation. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Go back to your goals. Remember why you're doing this. You'll slip, it's inevitable. It's what comes after the slip that's important. How quickly you pick up the pieces and get back in the game. How well you recognise the behaviour, acknowledge it, modify it, and move on. Get back on track.
You've got it in you. You've done it before. Remember back to when you first started at this job and you were determined to win that competition? You stuck to the plan, you did what needed to be done. You need to do that again. You've proved it to yourself this week, and last week, and you can continue to do it FOREVER. Remember how you realised that? That this isn't for 12 weeks, that this is forever? Yeah. It still is.
What will make you proud? Hitting that goal weight? Running a 10km race? Getting through a cali class without wondering how you can get out of doing something because you can't expend the energy required? Waking up one morning and realising that you're growing a person inside of you? All of these things will make you proud. Changing your body and your mind will change your life. That will make you proud, won't it? Yes. It will.
Who's here for you? So many people. More people are here for you than want you to fail. You need to accept help when it's offered. Stacey is your rock. Dave is your husband and best friend, your confidant, your partner in crime. There are so many around you who want you to succeed. Who know you can do it. Who want to see you shine. There are a few who will be jealous, who don't like that you're becoming a better person. Forget those people. They don't matter to you, they never have. You're doing this for YOU.
The ones who matter, they'll tell you to stay strong. To be determined to succeed. To make the right choice, even when the right choice is the hard choice. There's always a price to pay for the easy way out, and you've paid enough already. It's time to get into credit, to start living, and living well.
See ya soon, you crazy kid!
Saturday 15 March 2014
A few days on and the positive is still flowing!
You could say I've had a successful week... This motivation seems to be sticking around for a little while, I've been positive in my mindset and am getting revved up for the beginning of the 12WBT in about a week. Those 4 little habits I set up at the beginning of the year have gone well the last few days - I've hit them all, barring today which kind of turned into a rest day unintentionally.
I've had some 'red flag' days (as Mish likes to call them) - days where I'm going out for dinner, or to the movies, or have other plans that interfere with 'the plan'. The great thing about having 'the plan' is that you know ahead of time, when these 'red flags' pop up, that you're going to have to divert from 'the plan' and go with 'the other plan', which means you think about how the distraction is going to affect you, how you are going to deal with it, and what needs to happen afterwards. Then, when this little 'red flag' pops up, you just follow the 'other plan' like it was 'the plan' in the first place. Are you lost yet? I am planned up the wazoo... so am not lost, just following my plans like they are my lifesavers.
And you know what? These plans ARE my lifesavers. If I didn't have them, life would continue in it's detrimental downslide of 'spontaneous havoc' with treats being an every day occurrence (sometimes more often than that!) and my weight and health going in the wrong direction. These plans help me to become normal. Not my normal, because let's face it, my normal is pretty fucked. But my new normal... where indulgences happen once in a while, not just because it's Tuesday. Where exercise is a part of my day, just like brushing my teeth, although sometimes... I don't brush my teeth somedays... and then I feel gross. Where I sometimes say no to people and foods just because it's in my best interests.
This week, I'll be very disappointed if my effort does not show on the scale. Let's see how that goes, but regardless of the result, I have plans in place to continue on. Plans. Love 'em.
I've had some 'red flag' days (as Mish likes to call them) - days where I'm going out for dinner, or to the movies, or have other plans that interfere with 'the plan'. The great thing about having 'the plan' is that you know ahead of time, when these 'red flags' pop up, that you're going to have to divert from 'the plan' and go with 'the other plan', which means you think about how the distraction is going to affect you, how you are going to deal with it, and what needs to happen afterwards. Then, when this little 'red flag' pops up, you just follow the 'other plan' like it was 'the plan' in the first place. Are you lost yet? I am planned up the wazoo... so am not lost, just following my plans like they are my lifesavers.
And you know what? These plans ARE my lifesavers. If I didn't have them, life would continue in it's detrimental downslide of 'spontaneous havoc' with treats being an every day occurrence (sometimes more often than that!) and my weight and health going in the wrong direction. These plans help me to become normal. Not my normal, because let's face it, my normal is pretty fucked. But my new normal... where indulgences happen once in a while, not just because it's Tuesday. Where exercise is a part of my day, just like brushing my teeth, although sometimes... I don't brush my teeth somedays... and then I feel gross. Where I sometimes say no to people and foods just because it's in my best interests.
This week, I'll be very disappointed if my effort does not show on the scale. Let's see how that goes, but regardless of the result, I have plans in place to continue on. Plans. Love 'em.
Tuesday 11 March 2014
A much more positive day today.
This is what I thought when I woke up this morning. I've been dwelling WAYYY too much on the negatives in my life and forgetting about the positives - and realising that when I'm in a shit mood, I feel like shit, I eat like shit, and I sit around like a piece of shit.
Now that all the shit is out of the way, let's get to the rainbows and butterflies! Well, the positive thoughts...
My mantra this morning 'Today will be a good day. I will eat well, I will exercise well.' I had a heart to heart with my friend on the weekend - a friend who understands exactly what I'm thinking as she's in my shoes. She, however, is in a much more motivated headspace. She's eating well, she's exercising. We usually talk each other into eating horribly, and she made me feel like I shouldn't all weekend.
Last night, she emailed me and asked how I went. I told her the truth - the many slips during the day, the bad decisions, the guilt. Then she replied 'You know you can talk to me during the day if you need to..' Why did I not think of that? Why did I not pick up the phone, or send a text, or an email, and ask her to talk me out of it? Sometimes you need whatever is staring you in the face to whack you over the head to remind you it's right there.
Today was a good day. I'm under calories, I'm hydrated, I exercised in all my breaks as I knew I wouldn't have time after work due to cali - and I'm only 2000 steps away from my 10k daily goal. Remember those habits I said I was going to make every day? That's all of them, ticked off, right there. It wasn't hard - it wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard. I just thought of the big picture every time I wanted to do the wrong thing. And I just need to keep doing that until it's second nature. I've got about 50 years to practice!!
Saturday 8 March 2014
After the high comes the low.
Life is a rollercoaster, and I want to get off today. After the high of completing my 60km walk, I've had a shocking week. Apart from being sore and tired, there was no reason why I should be feeling like this. No reason why I should have eaten too much, not exercised.... but I did exactly that.
This week, I've eaten almost double my daily calorie allowance every day. I've not hit my 10,000 steps. I've hardly drunk any water. I've made terrible decisions and I don't know why.
But I do know why. I've used my 'big walk' as an excuse to slack off. Well, today, that will change. I'm meeting a friend for a movie this afternoon, so we decided that this morning, we'll walk for an hour (she also is struggling at the moment and has some weight to lose), then go to Subway for lunch, then see the movie (with no snacks!). When I get home I've got some chorey to do for the cali class that I teach, and I've also got to practice what we learned in my own class last week. I'll have a sensible LnE dinner, drink as much water as I can, and assess the damage at weigh-in in the morning.
It's not going to be pretty, but it's going to be honest. I've given myself six days of doing whatever I want with food and exercise, and I feel like shit. I'm tired, I'm sluggish, I'm bloated, and if I'm honest, I don't want to feel like this, regardless of how tasty the food is and how nice it is to sit on the couch. Over the last few days, I've spent so much time on my ass - I've skipped my walking breaks at work (and achieved no more in a day than if I did them), skipped training sessions to sit in the car waiting for my husband to finish work (and eaten crap while sitting there), and come home to sit on the couch watching TV I didn't enjoy. I wish I could bottle this feeling, so when I'm exhausted and sore from exercising, staring at the chocolate bars in the supermarket... I could take it out and remember what it feels like to be a fat lazy slob.
I don't want to be this girl any more.
This week, I've eaten almost double my daily calorie allowance every day. I've not hit my 10,000 steps. I've hardly drunk any water. I've made terrible decisions and I don't know why.
But I do know why. I've used my 'big walk' as an excuse to slack off. Well, today, that will change. I'm meeting a friend for a movie this afternoon, so we decided that this morning, we'll walk for an hour (she also is struggling at the moment and has some weight to lose), then go to Subway for lunch, then see the movie (with no snacks!). When I get home I've got some chorey to do for the cali class that I teach, and I've also got to practice what we learned in my own class last week. I'll have a sensible LnE dinner, drink as much water as I can, and assess the damage at weigh-in in the morning.
It's not going to be pretty, but it's going to be honest. I've given myself six days of doing whatever I want with food and exercise, and I feel like shit. I'm tired, I'm sluggish, I'm bloated, and if I'm honest, I don't want to feel like this, regardless of how tasty the food is and how nice it is to sit on the couch. Over the last few days, I've spent so much time on my ass - I've skipped my walking breaks at work (and achieved no more in a day than if I did them), skipped training sessions to sit in the car waiting for my husband to finish work (and eaten crap while sitting there), and come home to sit on the couch watching TV I didn't enjoy. I wish I could bottle this feeling, so when I'm exhausted and sore from exercising, staring at the chocolate bars in the supermarket... I could take it out and remember what it feels like to be a fat lazy slob.
I don't want to be this girl any more.
Wednesday 5 March 2014
The longest walk yet.
This weekend, I walked 60km. That's a bloody long way! It was for a reason - the Weekend to End Women's Cancers, benefiting Peter Mac Cancer Centre here in Melbourne. I was part of a 1400 strong team of survivors, family and friends who all walked the 60km and in the process raised over $3.6 million for research into women's cancers.
We started at about 6am on Saturday - dropped our gear off in the park, had a quick warm-up, and then we were off. This walk was TOP NOTCH for support. Every 3km, there were marquees set up with cold water, snacks, first aid, port-a-loos, and friendly people cheering us on. There were also vans driving around checking on everyone along the route, and oddly dressed men on motorbikes spurring us on (wigs, t-shirts, glitter!). Lunch was provided, massages and physios were also at the lunch stop. By 3pm, my friend and I had finished the 30km for the day. Back at camp, there was more food, a bar, a dance floor, even Mr Whippy showed up!
We slept in tents, and did it all again the next day. It was HARD. Every muscle ached, both from walking the day before and sleeping in a tent. There were tears, there were hugs, there was dragging (I was both the drag-er and drag-ee at various points)... but we did it!
The closing ceremony was an emotional one, with talks from survivors and the CEO of Peter Mac thanking us for our efforts. My measly $2110 seemed very small... but it was all part of the bigger picture. The funds will go partly to support for advanced stage breast cancer patients, and partly to the new familial centre where genetic testing for the BRCA-1 gene is performed. Both of these programs have very little government funding, but are vital in the fight against cancer.
Now I just have to decide whether or not I'm signing up again next year... who am I kidding... it'll happen!
We started at about 6am on Saturday - dropped our gear off in the park, had a quick warm-up, and then we were off. This walk was TOP NOTCH for support. Every 3km, there were marquees set up with cold water, snacks, first aid, port-a-loos, and friendly people cheering us on. There were also vans driving around checking on everyone along the route, and oddly dressed men on motorbikes spurring us on (wigs, t-shirts, glitter!). Lunch was provided, massages and physios were also at the lunch stop. By 3pm, my friend and I had finished the 30km for the day. Back at camp, there was more food, a bar, a dance floor, even Mr Whippy showed up!
We slept in tents, and did it all again the next day. It was HARD. Every muscle ached, both from walking the day before and sleeping in a tent. There were tears, there were hugs, there was dragging (I was both the drag-er and drag-ee at various points)... but we did it!
The closing ceremony was an emotional one, with talks from survivors and the CEO of Peter Mac thanking us for our efforts. My measly $2110 seemed very small... but it was all part of the bigger picture. The funds will go partly to support for advanced stage breast cancer patients, and partly to the new familial centre where genetic testing for the BRCA-1 gene is performed. Both of these programs have very little government funding, but are vital in the fight against cancer.
Now I just have to decide whether or not I'm signing up again next year... who am I kidding... it'll happen!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)