Well... my life changed today...

I quit my job. Packed up my desk, signed some papers, handed over my responsibilities, and walked out the door. In truth, I signed the papers on Tuesday, but everything else happened today. In all the chaos of the handing over, the teaching of processes, the boozy lunch with my boss's boss, and the hastily thrown together card and voucher from my apparent 'team', I didn't really have time to process that it was my last day.

I still don't feel like I've left.

I feel really weird.

Now, I have no job. I have no plan.

My job was toxic to me, not the job exactly, more the team dynamic. Every day there saw me more and more frustrated, anxious, and disappointed that this is what my life had come to - stagnant, devoid of meaning. People there don't behave the way I believe to be appropriate in a workplace. The people who are meant to keep that behaviour in check participate in the behaviour, instead of acting upon it. I spent a lot of time trying to make them change before I realised that I'm the one that needs to change.

I needed to get out, find something new and fresh and exciting. Be positive when I wake up in the morning instead of groaning and not wanting to get out of bed. Take pride in myself and my work.

Now I just need to find that place.

I cannot believe it's been 10 days!

10 days since I last wrote, and everything, yet nothing, has changed. I'm still off the rails, I'm an emotional wreck at work. I'm a completely different person there - on the verge of tears, always ready to jump out of my seat at the slightest noise. I'm withdrawn and quiet. I overreact to every situation and am paranoid that everyone is plotting against me, even though my rational mind knows that they couldn't give two hoots about me.

I had an emotional meeting with my manager where I brought up these feelings and related them to incidents that have happened over the past two weeks. He certainly understands where I'm coming from but there isn't much he can do about it, seeing as it's mostly personal bad blood between myself and that other team member. It's becoming more clear to me that she won't be leaving any time soon, so I have set myself a deadline.

September 1st is the day I'll resign, regardless of whether I have a new job or not. September 1st is the first day of Spring, and traditionally a day of new beginnings. It'll be my new beginning.

Until my new beginning, I can't just hang around waiting for the rest of my life to change. I need to get ready for the new start, get myself organised. I need to get my head sorted with food and exercise, so that I'm at the ready for whatever life throws at me after that date. I'll be analysing my habits with both food and exercise - using the tools I have at my disposal to work out where I go wrong and what I can do to change my mindset around my habits. I'll use those tools to build healthier habits, choose more wisely, and finally change for the better.

I want to write more often, but I will probably do that privately - I'm not sure yet. I can feel things shifting, I just need to embrace it.

The power of gratitude.

This post was going to be about my struggles this week, but I'm not letting that sh*t rule my life. Instead, I'm putting aside the negative and embracing the positive, acknowledging the hurt, and moving towards the healing.

I bought myself a gratitude journal for the New Year. I figured I was starting my new, married life, and I was starting fresh. This journal is one of the ONLY habits I've kept well for the entire first 4 months of the year. I've written in it diligently every night before bed. Maybe not every night, but I've definitely caught up on the days that I missed and am completely up to date with thanking whoever it may be for the good things in life.

My journal requires me to find 3 things every day, and some days, it's difficult. Many a day I've written only about the weather, or food, or just the fact that I woke up and made it through the day. Other days I want to write more, I find 10 things to be grateful for. I have an amazing day, I see amazing things, I catch up with amazing people, I eat amazing food.

Looking back, it's the difficult days that I appreciate the most. Sitting in bed, at the end of a day where everything seemed to go everyone else's way, where I felt sh*tty, where things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, I HAVE to find something good about the day. There's no excuses, I have to write something down. I look back through my day with different eyes, try to find the glimmer of sunshine, the compliment paid, the warm fuzzy feeling.

It's always there.

Powerful.

It truly IS May Madness!

I'm not going to say too much about this, but I am truly off the rails.

Sh*t has gone down at work, I am dreading going in tomorrow, and to be honest the only reason I'm going is that I hope to hear about a second interview for the job I've gone for. I'm not looking forward to being there at all, given that I sat there nearly in tears for the entire day on Friday and feel that it will only be the same or worse until I leave.

Needless to say, I'm a hot mess!

I'm trying to keep up my step count, and be mindful of my eating.... but it's really not going well.

I can't wait until this is over, so that I can get back to my SMASHlife.