Broken

Some might say that I'm broken. After a month of unemployment, I'm headed back to work in a week or so. I'm off to induction on Wednesday, and hopefully starting full time two weeks after. When I've told friends and family the details of the job that I've accepted, they look at me with pity. Yes, it's a manual job well below the standing of my previous employment. Yes, it pays 20% less than my previous job. Yes, I'll be working Saturdays as standard. Yes, I'll be on my own mostly.

But you know what? My last job broke me. I'm looking forward to a job where I'm responsible for ME only. I report to one person, and no-one reports to me. I'll be moving all day, not sitting at a desk staring at a computer screen. I'll be surrounded by people who don't know me, don't have a perception of who I should be, what I should be thinking, or what they think I should be doing. It's certainly going to be a big change, some would say I'm starting from the bottom. I am starting from the bottom. I don't even know if I want to make my way to the top.

Is it okay to settle for something less, when you know it'll make you happy?

Yes.

Is it okay to accept that you're not cut out for a high pressure job with lots of perks?

Yes.

Is it okay to want things for yourself that other people think are below you?

Yes.

Is it okay to be proud that you didn't sink?

I am.

Not broken, just bent.

I'm THAT person.

A recent study showed that people are sick of people who always talk about what diet they're on. I'm one of those people - not the one who's sick of the person, but the person who's always banging on about calories and exercise and food. There are certain people who I discuss ONLY this with - we have nothing else in common. There are other people who ask about my progress, so I feel I must tell them everything, even if they only asked to be polite.

Why do I do this? Because it excites me. It keeps me motivated. It keeps me accountable.

But it hasn't worked. Clearly. I'm still 40kg overweight, and it's been 4 years. I'm only 15kg down from my highest weight and over the last 6 weeks or so I've put on almost 10kg because I'm not focused on what's important. I'm quite focused on shoving whatever calorie-laden, carb-filled meal I can find into my gob. Not an effective strategy.

So I'm changing. Less talking, more doing. I've had 3 good days where I've exercised, eaten well, and focused more on why I'm doing this, instead of dwelling on why I haven't finished yet. Deciding what I want more - a healthy outlook or a delicious meal. Working out how I can still have a delicious meal without the calories - making better choices during the day or substituting certain items or plans for others, so that I still get to eat tasty food, but it doesn't take over my life.

Everything I'm reading lately suggests that it's way more about the food you eat than the exercise you do. I'm proof. I could exercise until the cows come home, but that block of chocolate ruins everything. I'm not able to eat sweet food in moderation - whatever size the package is, I eat the whole thing. So I really can't eat sweet food regularly. I can't REALLY eat it at all, if I'm being honest. This makes me sad. Not as sad as dying early or being fat for the rest of my life, but still pretty sad.

These last few days have given me hope that I can do it. I've eaten some pretty tasty things. I've been hungry, but I've not been dizzy or faint or light-headed. I've listened to my body and delayed starting my food day until a little bit later, because I know that as soon as I start eating I want to continue. I've listened to my body and had a proper, filling, snack a couple of hours before dinner so that I'm not starving when dinner time comes around. I've had different options available for meal-times so that I can choose between two healthier choices instead of throwing in the towel and ordering a pizza or swinging past a drive-through because I don't fancy what I'd originally planned. And most importantly, I've really thought about what I'm eating instead of throwing caution to the wind and just having whatever I want. I'm thinking about what's worked for me in the past, what has absolutely NOT worked for me, and opening my mind to new possibilities instead of bashing my head against the wall with the knowledge I have.

And now I'm being THAT person again. I guess a leopard really doesn't change it's spots, but I'm super excited about my new found enthusiasm.

Determined.

This is me. Today. Determined to have a successful day. I woke up a little later than I thought - but that's what happens when you hit snooze a couple of times, isn't it? I thought to myself "I'm going to have a good day today. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to eat well." I played around on the Internet for a while, and then I laced up my shoes... and I went for a walk.

Coming home with the ingredients for lunch, I scanned it all into MFP, and found that it was ridiculously over my calorie allowance for the day. I was looking forward to a delicious red curry chicken with rice. At nearly 900 calories, it was just way too much! So sad... what's a girl to do? Split it into 2, steam some vegies, and get on with it. While the vegies were steaming in the microwave, I divided the rice and curry into two bowls, and amended MFP. Now the meal was going to be 450 calories, which meant no snacks. Another rejig, and I made 3 bowls of rice and curry, the vegies were steamed (broccoli, cauliflower and carrot), for just over 300 calories each.

This meant that today I also had a small brownie, a protein shake, and some ham and cheese for snacks, and I've got enough calories left for my sensible dinner. I'm 'in the green' on MFP, I've got my 10,000 steps for the day. I also managed to swing past the gym on my walk - I haven't been to the gym in at least a month (I've done some walking and biking, but nothing at the gym) so I was surprised that the layout has changed and there were new trainers. I worked on my arms, back and chest for about half an hour.

I also got a couple of rejection emails (boo) and an interview for next week (yay) so there is progress on the jobs front.

It's been a good day. I might even say, it's been a GREAT day. Now to do it all again tomorrow. It wasn't too hard.... after all I have my rice and curry to look forward to!

A week to remember.

I have had one of those. A week to remember. I week I want to forget. I don't want to say too much about it, but I am eternally grateful that I am on the outskirts of this situation, and not completely entrenched like those that are. It is a terrible situation, lives have changed and will be changed forever.

I have found things out that I did not want to know, but at the same time, I'm glad I do know these things. I know that while I want to help as much as I can, this situation is so far away from what I am capable of, so far above my level of expertise (which is minimal!), and far beyond what I can cope with.

I wanted to keep it to myself, to try to cope alone, but I thought the better of it and sought my parent's advice. As always, while they showed unwavering support for my intended method of dealing with the situation I was presented with, they also gave honest feedback. They reassured me that while I want to help, it is not my responsibility to, and that I should not feel guilty for stepping back and allowing things to continue without me.

I suppose I need to apply this advice to other parts of my life as well. I need to accept that it's not always my responsibility to swoop in and save the day. I'm not equipped to deal with every situation, I don't have the experience or the skills to help everyone and solve the world's problems.

Wouldn't it be nice if I did?

Apparently I'm 'Funemployed!'

One of my friends keeps asking how funemployment is going... and to be honest, I'm not even sure! Funemployment is meant to last roughly 6 weeks - funnily enough that's about how long my money will last, so it looks like regular unemployment will be horrifyingly cheap, and rather painful. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

So what have I done in my funemployment so far? Spent the day with my co-coach making up pirate dances for the kids we teach (that went down A TREAT at class that night... they loved it!), spent another day sequinning lace for our costumes (28 pieces to do, at roughly 2 hours each piece.... I'm lucky I'm funemployed!), and went for a 20km walk today (turns out the shopping centre is quite further away than I thought).  Oh, and a couple of phone calls and emails to line up interviews for the coming days so that I only ever experience funemployment and never get to the dreaded unemployment phase.

Things are looking up.

Tomorrow's tasks include cleaning out the spare room, filling photo frames with wedding/honeymoon snapshots and sequinning yet another few pieces of lace. Also catching up with a friend for lunch. Let's face it, by the time I get up, tend to my Farmville, and hit the gym, it'll be time to head off for lunch - lunch will take a while, then I'll come home and organise dinner.... so spare room and photos will wait for another day!

I must tackle some sort of food plan shortly as well - I have the exercise covered, but my choices of late are not desirable when it comes to food. I'll get there!