A couple of weeks ago, I had a 'moment'. It was 2am, I was crying. In my head, my husband was leaving me, my daughter hated me, I was a terrible mother, I couldn't do anything for myself... basically my life was a shitheap.
You see a month or so ago we all moved in with my parents. It's a money thing. On one wage, with rent and bills, we just weren't able to save. My parents offered us a way out - moving in with them and paying bills, food, and a small amount of rent for up to 2 years. They're in a 4 bedroom house with two large living areas so we have a whole wing to ourselves - a lounge, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom and a toilet. In the 2 years we'll be able to save to build our current deposit and break into the depressingly unaffordable housing market.
Unfortunately I didn't really think the logistics of day to day living through. Sure, there's now a helping hand with housework and dinner, but there's also a relationship with my parents where I'm their daughter and they're my parents. It feels a little like I'm an irresponsible teenager again. We're all learning what our new normal is. My husband and I have been living together for almost 5 years, and we've both been out of home for 10. We've got our own routines and my parents have theirs. We've all got a bit of adjusting to do!
Mum's been trying to help out by suggesting things I can do with my day. Everyone asks what I've done all day when they get home from work. Sometimes I feel like saying 'I kept the child alive today'. Let's face it, being a stay at home mum is hard. It's not what I imagined, and I'm struggling. Pair that with getting rid of all our furniture and moving in with my parents and I'm feeling like a big fat failure.
Fast forward to me crying in the middle of the night. My sobbing and shaking woke my husband who was extremely concerned. I cry all the time during movies and TV shows, hell, a good advert can bring me to tears.... but I never cry over real things. We had a massive chat over my insecurities, my fears, his fears, our daughter... and 3 hours later decided that what I was feeling was a bit more serious than a bad day. The next morning I did a little research on 'the baby blues' and came across the PANDA website where I found all sorts of symptoms of post-natal depression. We made an appointment with our GP and expressed our concerns. She had me fill in a form about these feelings and how often I feel them and what I think about our life... and it turns out that I have most of the markers of post natal depression and things are quite serious.
After those results we've made an appointment with a counsellor and if that doesn't help medication is the next step. I was so scared to admit that I had a problem, but amazingly I feel a weight has lifted simply by opening my mouth. The most important thing I've gained so far, having not yet seen the counsellor, is the reassurance that everything I'm feeling is normal. The GP explained that most women feel a sense of loss once they have a baby. Loss of career, loss of self, loss of independence... it's a big change. She also mentioned that a lot of women don't seek help, which is alarming. Until I'm able to speak to the counsellor, she suggested that I set myself tasks to complete each day so that I can feel a sense of achievement once they're done. I write them down and tick them off. It's interesting because I can do all the things I was doing before, but writing it down makes me see that I am achieving a lot in a day and maybe I am just putting too much pressure on myself.
No-one talks about this stuff openly. You're seen as not coping, weak, or unfit to be a parent if you admit that you're having trouble. It's this admission though that allows us to get the help and support we need. We're not failing, we're flailing... two very different things, and that difference means so much. Reach out to a fellow mum. Talk to your GP. It's going to be a long road, but at least I'm on it now!
